How to Harness the Strength of Vulnerability to Improve Your Relationships

If you're like most people, the idea of being vulnerable probably doesn't sound very appealing. After all, vulnerability can leave us feeling exposed and unsure of ourselves. In fact, many of us go to great lengths to avoid it.

Being vulnerable isn't always easy. It can be scary to reveal our innermost thoughts and feelings, especially if we're not sure how the other person will react. We don't want to get hurt or be rejected.

It takes a lot of courage to be open and honest with the people we care about. However, it is the only way to deepen our relationships in ways we never thought possible. In this blog, we dive deep into vulnerability in relationships and tackle just why it is the key to creating your best love life!

What is vulnerability?

Dr. Brené Brown, a world-renowned researcher on vulnerability and shame, defines it as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure" in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. When we're vulnerable, we're putting ourselves out there without any guarantee of a positive outcome. We're taking an emotional risk and exposing ourselves to the possibility of being hurt.

This can mean showing a part of ourselves that we are not entirely proud of or disclosing something that we're ashamed of. It can also involve sharing our deepest hopes and fears or admitting that we need help. It means expressing our deepest feelings even when we're unsure how the other person will react.

In short, vulnerability is being open, honest, and authentic with ourselves and others about who we are and where we're at in life without trying to hide our flaws or present ourselves as perfect. It is a willingness to be seen, imperfections and all.

Why is vulnerability important in relationships?

We all want to be loved, seen, and accepted for who we truly are. When this happens, it creates a bond that is based on trust and allows us to feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings. In order to experience that level of intimacy, we need to show our partner our true, naked selves first. This means owning up, accepting, and exposing parts of us that we may not always like.

This willingness to be vulnerable allows us to connect with others on a deeper level. As Dr. Brown explains, "vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and connection." By showing who we are, we give the other person a choice to accept us for who we are. We give ourselves and others a chance to possibly develop true intimacy with each other.

You can feel truly seen and loved when you find the person who finally accepts you for your imperfect and flawed self. Only by being vulnerable can we open ourselves up to the possibility of true intimacy with another person.

Why is it so difficult for us to be vulnerable?

If vulnerability is the key to creating better relationships, then why do so many of us avoid it at all costs? The answer is that it's scary. We can feel powerless if we give someone else the hammer to crush our hearts. It can be difficult to take that emotional leap of faith and trust that the other person won't hurt or reject us.

We've all been hurt before in some way, shape, or form. We've all experienced the pain of rejection, whether it's being dumped by a partner, not being reciprocated, or simply not having our best efforts recognized. These experiences can leave us feeling scarred and unwilling to put ourselves in a position to be hurt again.

It's also important to remember that we live in a world that is constantly telling us to put our best foot forward. We're constantly bombarded with messages telling us we need to be perfect and have our lives together to be happy and successful. This can make it difficult for us to feel like we can be open and honest about our imperfections with others. We may even have core wounds around it and associate it with weakness.

The important truth to understand is that problem is not even so much that others will not accept us, but our PERCEPTION that others will not accept us. What it really boils down to is our own inability to accept ourselves. We believe that our flaw is so great that others will not accept us once they find out.

So we hide under a mask, pretending to be someone we're not. Pretending that we don't care, that we're tough, that we don't need anyone. We pretend we have a great life, we pretend we got it all figured out. But deep down inside, we hide our demons. We judge our true selves and our feelings. We subconsciously critique our own flaws and imperfection so harshly. Eventually, we'll do anything to hide our suppressed parts because we don't feel worthy of love or connection.

A study by Murray et al. showed that those who had insecurities about themselves underestimated the strength of their partners’ love. Those having a more negative view of themselves were involved in less satisfying relationships because it was harder for them to believe that they could be loved by good partners. Therein lies the source of much of our relationship anxiety and pain: we are afraid that we are not good enough to be loved.

How to be more vulnerable in your relationship

The good news is that vulnerability can be learned. Remember, it's okay to be scared. Just take it one step at a time and allow yourself to grow into it. Below I'll list a few steps that will get you started in your journey toward becoming more vulnerable.

1. Consciously become aware of parts of yourself that you have rejected or tried to hide.

These are the parts of yourself that you're ashamed of or don't want anyone to see. Maybe it's your anxiety, depression, insecurity, or fear. Maybe it was a past experience that you are not proud of. Whatever it is, consciously acknowledge that these parts exist and that it's okay to have them.

2. Accept these parts, these flaws, and understand that they make you who you are.

This is an important step in the process. You learning to love and accept yourself is hard. This entails a lot of self-compassion. Understanding that failing, falling, and making mistakes are all part of the human experience. No one is perfect.

3. Acknowledge that you have been avoiding vulnerability because it's scary.

It's okay to be scared. In fact, it's perfectly normal. Just remember that you're not alone in this feeling.

4. Make a conscious decision to open up and be more vulnerable.

This is a choice that you have to make. No one can do it for you. It's normal to feel like you're stepping out into the unknown. Just know that being vulnerable gives you a chance to be seen and connect with others on a deeper level.

5. Share your vulnerable thoughts and feelings with someone you trust.

This could be a friend, family member, relationship coach, or partner. Whoever it is, make sure it's someone who you feel safe with and who will not judge you. It could be something as small as expressing your anxiety about a situation or sharing a memory from your childhood. As you start small and get confirmation that it's okay to be vulnerable, you'll slowly start to open up more.

Once we do, we'll find that it becomes much easier to be vulnerable with others. When we no longer feel the need to hide our imperfections, we can open up and be our true selves without fear of rejection. This takes practice and patience. It's important to remember that being scared is okay and that we don't have to do it all at once. Start by being honest with those closest to you. Share something that's been on your mind or something that's been bothering you. Allow yourself to be seen and heard.

When we take the time to express ourselves, we're giving the other person a chance to understand us better. We're also giving ourselves a chance to heal and grow. As we become more comfortable with being vulnerable, we'll start to feel more connected with others. We'll also start to feel more connected with ourselves.

Why vulnerability is a strength

Many of us can associate being vulnerable with being weak. In fact, Brene Brown – author of “The Power of Vulnerability” – argues that the two concepts are diametrically opposed. To be vulnerable means to show up and be seen in our relationships without any pretense or armor. It’s about being honest and authentic, even when we’re not sure how the other person will react. It takes tremendous courage.

Unfortunately, our society often tells us the opposite. We’re taught to put up a strong front, never show weakness, and always be in control. So it’s no wonder that many of us are afraid to be vulnerable. We’ve been taught that it’s a sign of a weak person.

But what if we looked at vulnerability differently? What if we saw it as a strength instead of a weakness?

In a world that often tells us to put up a strong front, being vulnerable takes immense courage. It’s truly a strength and not a weakness. A strong man or woman doesn't have to pretend to be invulnerable. They can show their emotions, be honest about their fears and doubts, and be open to love and connection. They are themselves unapologetically because they know that their vulnerabilities make them beautiful and human. They have no trouble being compassionate to themselves and accepting their own imperfections.

How to deal with rejection and criticism when you're vulnerable

Of course, being vulnerable also comes with the risk of rejection and criticism. However, it is important to keep in mind what type of relationship you ultimately want in your life. If you want relationships based on honesty and authenticity, you need to be willing to risk being vulnerable. Because then you allow the other person to show you if they are a good fit for you. You also see if they are ready for deep emotional intimacy.

If you're constantly putting up a strong front and never allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you're not giving the other person a chance to know the real you. As a result, you may end up in relationships that are based on superficial interactions devoid of real emotional connection. Or even relationships of pretense and falseness.

It's also important to remember that not everyone will react positively when you're vulnerable. And even sometimes, your partner may not pick up on your vulnerability and may miss your bid for connection. That's okay. Their ability to be compassionate towards you doesn't define you. You are worthy of love and connection regardless of how the other person reacts.

In fact, there are many people who are not comfortable with vulnerability and, therefore, cannot handle it in others. These people will likely reject you or criticize you when you're being vulnerable. But that is also the type of person who you ultimately will never be able to build a deep, meaningful relationship with. So, in a way, they are doing you a favor by weeding themselves out.

What's important is that you don't let the fear of rejection or criticism stop you from being vulnerable. Because, in the end, you don't need everyone in your life to understand you. But you do want your significant other to be someone who appreciates you for who you are. I promise you that when you are loved and accepted for being you, it will heal you and show you what true love is.

The bottom line is that being vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness. It takes immense courage to be open and honest about your emotions, especially when you're not sure how the other person will react. But it's worth it because it allows you to build deeper, more meaningful relationships. It also allows you to be your true self, which is the most beautiful thing you can be.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Practice vulnerability with someone very close to you. Tell them something small that makes you a little uncomfortable and a little uncertain. When they respond positively, be really mindful of how it feels to be loved and accepted for all that you are!

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Van Haren Publishing. https://brenebrown.com/book/daring-greatly/

Brown, B. (2010). The Power of Vulnerability. Video. TEDxHouston. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability

Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001, April). The Mismeasure of Love: How Self-Doubt Contaminates Relationship Beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(4), 423–436. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201274004