How to Overcome and Embrace Failure in Dating and Relationships

There is no way to sugarcoat it. Failure in dating and relationships is tough. Perhaps your relationship just ended, and you blame yourself for its downfall. Maybe you went on a promising date, never heard back, and wondered what you did wrong. You may have trouble getting matches on dating apps and feel like a loser. Possibly, you got into a new relationship that either exploded or fizzled, leaving you sick of yourself. Or you dragged yourself to a singles event hoping to meet someone. Yet, no one eligible even talked to you, just rubbing the salt in your wound of unworthiness. I’ve been there. I understand that feeling of failure. It’s that stinging sensation weighing down on you like a 10,000-pound elephant, crushing you in the chest as you are left wondering, is it just me who is not good enough?

I am here to tell you that I have failed in not only one of these situations but all of them, and not just once but multiple times. In the past, I would often dwell and beat myself up over them. However, I survived every single incident, even if I thought all was lost at the time. Reflecting back, most of my failures propelled me to become better at creating healthy relationships. I can now wear all my relationships and dating failures as a badge of honor. The problem is that it is often easier to have these insights looking back than when you are in the thick of feeling down. So in this post, I want to show you not only how you can overcome failure but that you should seek it out too!

Why is failure so painful?

Failure is one of the worst feelings because, for most people, it is associated with deep personal shame that lowers self-esteem. In psychology,  fear of failure is called atychiphobia. To me, this is a much better word because most times, fear of failure is a misnomer.

For most people, fear of failure is not a fear of the failure itself but of feeling inadequate or guilty. In most circumstances, the single act of failing a relationship, a date, or even finding someone does not jeopardize your ability to survive, provide for yourself, or even be happy in the long run. You will not die if your relationship ends. You will not lose your ability to get food on the table if you don’t match with someone. You will not live a miserable life if you don’t hear back from a date.

The degree to which most people fear failure exceeds the repercussions of failing a specific task itself. So before overcoming failure, we must consciously put into perspective the actual consequences of not succeeding in a particular situation. Will this failure impact my life significantly in the long term? Or is it something else that I am afraid of?

It is not to say that there aren’t instances where failure does lead to severe consequences. For example, suppose your boyfriend is violent. You may fear that failing to make your relationship work will bring danger to your life. You should be scared! If you are in a scenario where you truly fear the ramifications of failing itself, then there are significant outer obstacles that you must overcome first. Please seek professional help because these issues are often very complex and what you need is far beyond the scope of this post.

For a lot of us, failure is more profound. It is not just about the repercussions of not reaching a particular goal. We fear that failing says something about us. We fear that it makes us unworthy or defective. This is the reason why failure can be such a struggle. People want to avoid feeling inadequate at all costs.

Sometimes the fear is so intense that many refuse to try in the first place. Others end up self-sabotaging their efforts. Alas, those who venture to try but fail can sometimes blame themselves, feel a lot of shame and develop long-term self-esteem issues. It forms a cycle that further reinforces not trying because people become anxious about the most remote possibility of not succeeding. So how do we stop this cycle and use it to our advantage?

Failure is not a measure of worthiness

The first step is to disassociate failure from negative associations. We must change the notion that failure is personal or that it must say something about us. If failing a task means that we are inherently inadequate for it, then no matter the circumstance, we would never be able to succeed. But this fixed mindset simply isn’t true. There are so many examples of people overcoming their failures.

Everyone who knows me knows that I’m obsessed with Walt Disney. In 1919, Kansas City Star fired him because he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” Well, he definitely proved otherwise in the imagination and good ideas department. Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as an evening reporter because she was “unfit for television news.” Well, who is the queen of television now? Elon Musk failed his first three SpaceX rocket launches and was on the brink of becoming bankrupt. He finally succeeded in his fourth launch and was able to keep the company alive.

Each of these people had a growth mindset where they realized that failure is not a reflection of who they were. These stories prove that just because you failed once or multiple times does not mean you inherently can’t succeed. I can tell you that I have failed in my dating life and relationships numerous times and in so many ways. But it has led to me finding one of the most satisfying relationships in my life. Do not let failure define you and what you can accomplish.

Breakdown each instance of failure to your advantage

The second step is to examine and learn from your failures, and I will show you how. When you closely look at each instance of failure, many circumstantial factors are usually at play. I tend to quote a model from one of my favorite personal development authors, Jay Shetty, who breaks down all causes of failure using the acronym FAST. As I go through each of these aspects with you, keep in mind some instances of failures that you’ve had in the past and see how they fit in each category.

F – Fit

A – Approach

S – Skill

T – Timing

So let’s run through a few examples seen in romantic relationships to clarify.

F – Fit

Your relationship was the wrong fit

Differences in goals such as kids, lifestyle, level of commitment

Different values such as ambition, fitness, personal growth

A – Approach

You are taking the wrong approach in your relationship

Unable to create a connection

Over disclosure or under disclosure

S – Skill

You don’t have the appropriate relationship skills

Lack of communication skills

Lack of skills to maintain emotional intimacy

T – Timing

The timing of the relationship doesn’t work

Life events

Readiness

You want to examine your cause of failure in this manner to help depersonalize and flag instances where you can learn. In addition, multiple reasons may apply, and sometimes, you may not have all the answers. But the good news is that all these causes of failure have nothing to do with your self-worth! Breaking it down this way helps you learn from your mistakes and know how to move forward.

If it is an issue with either fit or timing, there is nothing that you can do. You don’t have to take it upon yourself because this happens with everyone. If it is an issue with approach or skill, that is excellent news because now there is room for improvement! Once you break down the problem, you simply have to work on it. If you are in this blog reading and challenging yourself to be better, you are already on the right path! You now have a roadmap to increase your chances for success in love for the future.

Failure is the gateway to success

The third step is to associate failure with positive associations. There are many quotes about how positive failure is for your goals, personal growth, and overall life. But “failure is the gateway to success” is one of my favorites. It has been so accurate in my personal life, and I see it in the lives of many others whom I admire. Our society is so enamored by the image of success that it downplays stories of how successful people got to where they were. No one is born a perfect being, and everyone will experience failure at some point. You will kiss a few frogs before finding your prince or your princess.

I tend to think of failure almost as a level-up. You either get a reset or learn something that will help you advance to the next stage. You have the opportunity to become a better dater and partner each time that you fail.

I could continue the post by spewing out a bunch of cliché sayings about failures. But if you want to get into a mindset of positive association with failure, google “failure quotes.” You will see how many amazing, accomplished and influential people regard failure as their source of strength and success. This collective wisdom experienced by so many people should encourage you to embrace it.

Lastly, I want to share something I heard from Vishen Lakhiani. He sets his goals where 50% of his goals must have a 50% chance of failure. If you don’t plan to fail, you are thinking too small. Extraordinary accomplishments happen when you give yourself the freedom to blotch things completely. A life of possibilities will open up when you deliberately take risks. The lesson here is that you should not only expect to fail but also intentionally plan to add failure to your life.

The next time you don’t get a match, bomb a date, or go through a breakup, hold your head up high. You are human and meant to grow. I want you to go out with renewed confidence and be proud to fail!

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Examine some of your past failures using the FAST model.