Bid to Maintain a Better Love Connection

Recently, a friend asked me if I talk to my significant other during dinner. I thought it was such an odd question. He then clarified that in his last relationship, he did not speak to his girlfriend at all during dinner; they ate predominantly in silence.

I am not sure what his situation was exactly. Still, in my mind, I was picturing the two of them awkwardly staring at each other to the sound of pure silence. He tried comparing notes, wondering if this was normal. In the back of his head, he questioned whether eating in silence might have either been a flag or contributed to his relationship fizzling over time.

If you are in a stable relationship, feeling safety, intimacy, love, and care for each other is paramount. If you have achieved that at some point, you most likely already did a great job of building the emotional connection in the first place. The good news is that you are already ahead of couples that can go on for many years without ever creating that level of intimacy.

However, as time passes, you may start noticing that the lovey-dovey feelings at the beginning of the relationship have begun to flounder. The truth is that while we make promises and commitments to continually foster an atmosphere of love and care for each other, healthy relationships do not happen on their own.

Naturally, your relationship may start feeling dull over time, but you want to avoid the whole thing fizzling out. You do not want to end up feeling like you have become just good friends. Relationships require intentional work to keep the connection alive. So, is making conversation at dinner really the key to maintaining connection?

Bids of Connection

Dr. Jonathan Gottman is often referred to as the "guru of relationships." He is one of the most well-known psychologists studying marriage and relationship science. He has done extensive research on couples for over 25 years. He is known to give relationship advice that is thoroughly researched and science-based. In his book, "The Relationship Cure," he states that one of the most prominent ways to maintain connection is the concept of bids for connection.

Bids for connection are attempts from one partner to request a connection in some way from another. They can include anything from simple gestures to comments to physically reaching out. Although we deliberately make certain bids consciously, most bids happen on a subconscious level without us even realizing it. But how a partner responds to a bid is essential in maintaining a relationship's connection.

A partner can respond in one of three ways: 1) Turning towards (recognizing and responding positively to the bid), 2) Turning away (not recognizing or ignoring the bid), or 3) Turning against (recognizing but responding negatively to the bid). In his research following newlyweds, at the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time.

Turning toward your partner could mean doing something as simple as acknowledging what they are saying and actively listening when they try to relay a piece of information. For instance, your spouse returned from work and declared they'd had the worst day today (making a bid for connection).

You could turn away and continue doing whatever you were busy with. You could also turn against and ridicule your partner by saying they "always have a bad day." Or, you could sit them down and give them the grace to narrate how awful the day was while asking questions so you can get to know them and understand all the details. When you turn toward your partner, you let them know you're interested in what they have to say.

This, in turn, helps you build the connection in your relationship. If you turn away from your partner, they will feel ignored, misunderstood, or unheard. If you turn against them, then they will feel offended and attacked.

Make this process easier by constantly thinking about what you would have liked your partner to do for you if you made a bid for a connection. Would you want them to turn all their attention to you, would you prefer they ignore you, or would you prefer they ridicule you? How you expect them to respond to your bids tells you how to respond to their need for connection.

In general, women make more bids than men. But men tend to miss more requests than women. But in healthy relationships, the goal is to be aware of when there is an opportunity for connection and be able to respond positively.

The first step is making a conscious effort to recognize your partner's bids. This bid can be verbal or nonverbal, through a simple comment, gesture, or even text. So practicing noticing your partner's bids will put you in a better position. The second step is to examine how you have responded to their bids in the past. Have you been turning towards them, or do you tend to ignore them?  

Emotional Bank Account

To take this concept one step higher, Dr. Gottman also introduced the idea of the Emotional Bank Account. To understand the concept of the Emotional Bank Account, think of your actual financial bank account. The whole point of having it is to ensure you can build savings and have enough to withdraw when needed. This same principle applies to an Emotional Bank Account. Our emotional bank accounts can either decrease or increase depending on how our partners or we turn towards, away, or against us based on our bids for connection.

Here's the thing, when you recognize and turn towards your partner when they bid for a connection, that's considered a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account. However, when you turn away or against them, that's regarded as a withdrawal. Your emotional bank account gets depleted if you make more withdrawals than deposits. You start to risk your relationship getting into a danger zone.

After years of research, Dr. Gottman also concluded that the happiest couples deposited 5x more than their withdrawals in the emotional bank account during a conflict and 20x more routinely.

Essentially, your Emotional Bank Account can only grow if you make more deposits than withdrawals. The more you turn towards your partner's bids for emotional connection, the stronger your relationship will be. When there's nothing in the Emotional Bank Account, a couple will likely feel lonely, disconnected, or doubtful of each other. On the other hand, couples that make more deposits in their Emotional Bank Account are more patient with each other even when conflict arises in the relationship.

The 5:1 and 20:1 Ratio

Remember when we said that after many studies and research, Dr. Gottman discovered that the happiest couples are those that observe the 5:1 Ratio during conflict and 20:1 routinely? If you want to increase the connection in your relationship, you must focus on making more deposits. The more deposits you have, the easier it will be to feel loved, intimate, and cared for.

It may be easier to feel very positive in day-to-day life and achieve the 20:1 Ratio. After all, without conflict, it is much easier to whisper sweet nothings to your beloved. And this will definitely help you fatten up your bank account for a rainy day.

But say you and your partner were to get into conflict. Conflict in a relationship is a negative situation. Per Gottman, you want to aim for a 5:1 ratio to successfully navigate this situation. So then, how do you ensure you deposit five positives for each negative?

Let's run a scenario to illustrate. Suppose you and your partner are arguing about an overcharge on one of your credit cards. You may feel a lot of emotions, including anger, frustration, disappointment, and even hurt. In that case, you're now in a state of negativity. The important thing is that even though there is a state of negativity, you approach the conflict you're experiencing in a manner that facilitates connection.

You might have questions as to why your partner spent so much money. And indeed, you have every right to question that. But you can still be accommodating or agreeable in your approach. Instead of using an accusatory tone to ask this question, you can turn to them and listen to their point of view first.

You can say gently, "Hey, I saw that you overcharged the credit card, and we talked about limiting our spending last week. Was there something that came up?" Remember to always connect before trying to resolve the problem. If it's something they couldn't avoid, be empathetic towards their situation and encourage them to tell you more about their experience.

In the end, you've validated their perspective and made positive deposits into your Emotional Bank Account, even during a conflict. By handling conflict resolution like this, even if you disagree with what your partner has done, you and your partner have had a positive interaction. This is an example of a moment of connection during a conflict discussion! Be sure to sign up for my FREE 7-day Ultimate Communication Mini-Course to navigate disagreements in your relationship like a pro!

Remember that no matter what, withdrawals from your Emotional Bank Account will happen, especially in conflict. No one is perfect, and even a saint will not always maintain a cool head during every argument. Someone will inadvertently miss a bid no matter how happy and well-adjusted a couple is.

That is entirely normal. That's why turning towards a bid is essential when you recognize one. Since turning away or against will have a much more significant effect on your relationship, make sure you consistently make frequent positive deposits. This way, the positives always heavily outweigh the negatives.

Conclusion

As to the original question posed by my friend, I ultimately talk a lot to my partner during dinner. But that's because I'm a super extrovert and just love to talk. Some more introverted couples may not speak to each other during dinner at all, preferring to eat in silence. That is totally okay and natural. Silence itself does not affect your connection.

But if he did indeed want to talk to her during dinner and made a bid for connection. At the same time, if she turned away or against him, that would be a point deducted from their emotional bank account. Over time it truly breaks the connection and could spell relationship disaster. This can ultimately lead to the relationship failing and them breaking up. My friend understood this principle and was pretty satisfied with my answer. And so the silent dinner mystery was solved!

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Pay attention to bids of connection, however small, from your partner, family members, friends, or even coworkers. Gaining awareness is the first step to being able to turn towards!

References:

Gottman, J. (2002). The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships (Reprint ed.). Harmony.