Why Do Partners Yell and What to Do About It

Do you ever feel like your partner is just out to get you? That they're always yelling and screaming at you for no reason? If so, you're not alone. Many couples experience this type of behavior during an argument. It can be really frustrating and can even cause some people to give up on their relationship altogether. In this blog post, we will discuss why partners yell during an argument and what to do about it.

What causes partners to yell during an argument

Did you know that over 90% of relationship arguments are caused by one main reason? Can you guess what it is? The underlying main cause of arguments in couples is one person feeling unheard. When someone's point of view or pain point is not being acknowledged, arguments are usually started as a way to be heard. This is because the natural reaction to not feeling heard is to either repeat yourself or raise your voice's volume. In most instances, couples will start doing both.

It's not unusual for partners to resort to yelling to get their point across during an argument. It's actually a normal human physiological reaction to feeling not understood. When we feel dismissed, we try to get our point across in different ways, repeating ourselves by tackling the situation from different angles, raising the stakes in this argument, and raising our voices. You may have noticed that subconsciously, it's even natural to start positioning yourself closer to your partner during an argument as a way to be heard. We do this without being conscious of our actions sometimes.

But unfortunately, this often has the opposite effect than what is intended. The other person usually becomes defensive, and arguments become more heated. The other person is then even less likely to be able to see our perspective. The person on the defense often will try to make their own point for why they acted or thought a certain way. But because their positive intentions are unacknowledged by their partner (who is desperately trying to make their own point), they start feeling unheard also.

This then escalates because the defensive party also feels unheard and starts raising their voice, creating a cycle of yelling that can become quite toxic if left unchecked. This can quickly lead to an argument spiraling out of control, with both partners screaming.

How to address the underlying cause

The first step is for both partners to be mindful that the underlying cause of yelling is a problem with feeling not understood. This can be difficult to recognize during an argument but is essential. The way forward to healing the relationship is for both partners to put their pride and defensiveness aside and take a step back to feel into each other's perspectives.

It's important for both parties to listen and try to understand the other's point of view without automatically feeling attacked or defensive. When someone feels understood and validated for their perspective and valid emotions, this often stops arguments from escalating and can even lead to resolution.

The second step is for both partners to communicate their feelings and needs in a manner that is not critical to the other. I cover effective communication in my Ultimate Communication Mini-Course. In this FREE Mini-Course that you can sign-up for here, I give you all the tools to help you feel confident bringing up issues with your partner without getting into an argument. I give you the framework to understand exactly what you need from your partner and to communicate that.

How to stop yelling and start communicating

If you find yourself already caught up in an argument, it's important to take a step back and try to understand why you are both yelling. The most important tip that I can give you is to just take a break. Agree ahead of time that when an argument escalates, both parties agree to stop the conversation and return to it later when everyone has calmed down.

Psychologically speaking, when you are under a lot of stress such as deep in a screaming match, what happens is called an "amygdala hijack." This term was coined by Goleman in his book "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ". An amygdala hijacking happens when we have an emotional response that is out of proportion to the actual stimulus. When we feel dismissed, the stimulus triggers a much more significant emotional threat for us.

Neurologically speaking, Hur et al. describe that when there is an immediate threat, your amygdala (considered your emotional/irrational brain) will have a higher engagement than your prefrontal cortex (used for cognitive control and flexibility). This means that scientifically speaking, it's almost impossible to see each other's perspectives when partners are yelling at each other. This is why it's so important to take a break and come back when both parties can sit and calmly talk.

This break doesn't have to be a long time. Per Dr. Jonathan Gottman, it takes about 20 minutes to stop the physiological changes seen in an argument. However, during this break period, try your best not to dwell on the details of the argument. If you just sit there and sulk, you may get angrier, which won't help the situation.

Try to take some time and do something that completely shuts off your brain from the argument itself. This includes maybe just watching a TV show, googling funny memes, reading a book, taking a walk, or some other activity that will help you to disconnect from the argument and get into a place of relaxation.

Once you can completely disconnect from the situation and get into a place of calm, you'll be able to honestly assess the situation with a clear head and really understand how each of you was feeling in the heat of the moment. You'll be able to reengage your prefrontal cortex and be able to think through your partner's perspective.

This will also allow you to express yourself in a more calm and effective manner using the tools from the Ultimate Communication Mini-Course, which is essential for resolving any conflict with your partner. This can be done by taking turns talking, listening actively, and respectfully expressing one's feelings and needs. It is also important to remember that the goal of an argument is not to win but to come up with a mutually beneficial solution.

Why it's important to understand your yelling triggers

When trying to better understand why people yell during an argument, it’s important to identify the triggers that cause this. There are many factors that can cause emotional triggers during an argument. The one that we have discussed is the most common and the one that underlies most arguments. That is the trigger of feeling unheard.

However, it's important to know that an argument will often touch on other triggers as well, and sometimes multiple triggers at once. Some of the additional triggers we may not even be fully conscious of. We can become very emotional during an argument. So, it's important to bring these triggers to a conscious level to better address the underlying issues causing the yelling.

It's also important to understand that we all have different emotional hot spots, and it's essential for couples to have a better understanding of each other’s triggers. This can be done through open communication and showing up as your authentic self with compassion. Let your partner know about your triggers ahead of time, and be open to understanding theirs.

How to get your partner to stop yelling

Getting your partner to stop yelling is not easy, but it can be done. The first step is to try and stay calm and maintain your composure. This can be difficult, but it's essential for preventing the situation from escalating further. It’s important to remember that your partner is not trying to hurt you. They are just expressing their emotions.

Once both parties have taken a break, it’s important to talk about the underlying issues without criticism or attack. This will help to move away from an argument based on a particular incident and towards understanding why you’re both feeling angry in the first place.

If you have triggered your partner or impacted your partner negatively, it can be important to show accountability. Sometimes, we have to apologize to show the other person that we understand their feelings and take responsibility for our actions.

It's also essential to focus on finding solutions rather than assigning blame. This means listening to each other's perspectives, understanding both sides of the story, and coming up with a mutually beneficial solution. If either party starts shouting again, it’s important to take a step back and start the process again with as much patience and understanding as possible

Final thoughts

Overall, it's important to remember that yelling is a natural reaction when we're feeling unheard. It's essential for couples in an argument to take a break before tackling the issue. This will help to reduce the emotional intensity and enable them to process their feelings better. It is also important for both partners to be aware of their triggers, communicate openly and respectfully, and show accountability if needed.

If you find yourself having a lot of arguments in your relationship, I can help. In my relationship coaching sessions, I provide you with the tools and skills needed to better understand your partner and yourself! I want to help you get off the argument bandwagon and reconnect with each other. Schedule a free initial assessment to get started!

Growtheart Actionable Step:

If you often find yourself in a screaming match, make a plan with your partner ahead of time to take a break from yelling the next time you are in an argument. Agree on how long this break should be (ideally between 20 minutes and a day). Commit to taking this 20-minute break to relax, gather your thoughts, and prepare yourself to discuss calmly and respectfully.

References:

1. Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ(1st ed.). Bantam. https://www.danielgoleman.info/

2. Hur, J., Smith, J. F., DeYoung, K. A., Anderson, A. S., Kuang, J., Kim, H. C., Tillman, R. M., Kuhn, M., Fox, A. S., & Shackman, A. J. (2020). Anxiety and the Neurobiology of Temporally Uncertain Threat Anticipation. The Journal of Neuroscience, 40(41), 7949–7964. https://doi.org/10.1523/jneurosci.0704-20.2020