4 Negative Behaviors that Break Relationships

Do you ever find yourself in a fight with your partner and wonder where it all went wrong? You're not alone. All couples argue from time to time, but certain behaviors can break down even the strongest relationships. Little by little, these negative behaviors can erode the beautiful bond you share with your partner.

In fact, research by Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned marriage researcher, has found that four specific behaviors are particularly damaging to relationships. They bring so much negativity that they are one of the major factors that are associated with eventual relationship failure. They are detrimental to your relationship's health, and their presence alone can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.

He calls them the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." These behaviors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They are super deadly because they can quickly erode trust, love, and respect in a couple- leaving only feelings of resentment and bitterness in their wake. If you find yourself engaging in any of these behaviors with your partner, it's important to address them right away.

Keep reading to learn more about each one of these behaviors and how they can impact your relationship.

Criticism

Do you ever find yourself pointing out your partner's flaws and criticizing them? Maybe you're just trying to help them improve, but this behavior is one of the quickest ways to break down a relationship.

When you criticize your partner, it communicates that you don't accept them for who they are. It also puts them on the defensive and makes them feel like they need to justify themselves to you. This can quickly result in arguments and resentment.

Criticism is different than expressing a complaint. A complaint is specific and focuses on a particular behavior that bothers you. For example, "I wish you would put your dirty socks in the hamper." Criticism is global and attacks your partner's character. It sounds more like this: "You're so lazy and disorganized, you can never keep anything clean."

Criticism puts your partner on the defensive and makes them feel attacked. It makes them less likely to want to listen to you and more likely to shut down or fight back.

One of the main problems with criticism is that sometimes we are not even aware that we are criticizing. A lot of us grew up with poor modeling of relationship communication. So, when we try to communicate a particular issue or need, we end up criticizing by default for the lack of a better model.

Most times, criticizing the one we love is not our intention at all. However, our model of communication can betray our intentions and become critical. Then, the conversation quickly devolves into an argument. Other times, people may even feel afraid to bring up problems with their significant other due to fears of getting into yet another fight. This way of stopping productive communication altogether is not the answer either.

It's important to note that criticism is the root problem and the harbinger of the other three horsemen. It creates an environment of negativity and further sets the stage for more destructive behaviors. Therefore, addressing criticism is essential to nip negative communication patterns from its root. In addition, criticism is the earliest sign of unhealthy behavior in a relationship. So it is also the one that is most conducive to changing and making the most impact overall.

Want to know how can you prevent criticism from festering in your relationship? I provide the solution to this in my 7-day FREE Ultimate Communication Mini-Course, which you can sign-up for here. It gives you a different framework of communication that will get you started on the path to a more constructive, positive, and effective way of talking with your partner. It also provides you with the tools you need to get your complaints across without escalating the issue and building intimacy at the same time.

Contempt

Contempt is another relationship-killing behavior. It goes beyond criticism by adding an element of disrespect and hostility. Contempt is another one of those behaviors that can very quickly break down a relationship. Examples of contemptuous behavior include name-calling, eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, and sneering.

When you act contemptuously towards your partner, you're somewhat communicating that you think you're better than them. This is disrespectful and hurtful. It also creates a lot of distance and conflict in the relationship. Oftentimes, people who act contemptuously think they're right and their partner is wrong. This mindset creates an environment where it's difficult to find any common ground and makes it hard to resolve conflict. In addition, the disrespect that is inherent in contemptuous behavior can make it very difficult for your partner to feel like they want to cooperate or compromise with you.

Contemptuous behavior is poison to a relationship. If you find yourself engaging in this type of behavior, it's important to take a step back and try to understand what might be driving it. Oftentimes, contempt is a symptom of a deeper problem. It may be a sign that you have unresolved anger or resentment towards your partner. If this is the case, it's important to address these issues directly. Otherwise, the contempt will continue to fester and damage your relationship.

To start fighting against contempt, build a culture of respect and appreciation in your relationship. Make it a point to express gratitude for your partner on a regular basis. Also, avoid speaking to them in a way that is disrespectful or belittling. Instead, try to see things from their perspective and communicate in an understanding and respectful way. If you can do this, it will go a long way toward preventing contempt from creeping into your relationship.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a common response to criticism, but it's also one of the most destructive behaviors in a relationship. When you're defensive, you're essentially saying, "I'm not the problem, you are." This immediately puts your partner on the offensive and can escalate an argument very quickly.

Defensiveness is often a result of feeling attacked. If you can learn to take a step back when you're feeling defensive and see the situation from your partner's perspective, it can go a long way in diffusing the situation. Remember, they're probably not trying to attack you- they just want to feel heard and understood.

The way to combat defensiveness is two-fold: through active listening and taking accountability.

1. Active Listening

First, you must set your resentment aside and listen to what your partner is saying. This can be difficult because when you are feeling attacked, it may be natural to attack back. But it's important to remember that they're coming from a place of hurt or frustration. Even if they started criticizing you unjustly or didn't try communicating nicely, you can still be the one to end this argument.

You can turn the discussion around by making this argument productive instead of destructive. Try to see things from their perspective and understand where they're coming from. Listen to them like a close friend who is there to empathize and a teammate who is there to support them. Push your resentment to the side for now and be solely present with them.

Once you've really listened to what they have to say, it's important to respond in a way that shows you understand their perspective. This doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but simply acknowledging their feelings can go a long way in diffusing the situation. Most arguments happen because one party feels unheard and misunderstood, so just showing that you understand their feelings can be very powerful.

2. Taking accountability

Second, you must take accountability for your part in the problem. This can be difficult to do, but remember that issues in a relationship are created by two people. You may not be entirely to blame. In fact, you may be only 5% to blame. But taking responsibility for your role in the problem is important, even if it's only 5%. This will show your partner that you understand the situation. It shows that you are on their side, you respect their needs, and you're committed to working with them through their problem.

Avoid making excuses. Instead of trying to explain away your behavior, an apology really goes a long way. Most times, it's not enough to just say sorry, but learning to apologize effectively will help them see that you are taking responsibility for the issue that they raised.

This will go a long way in diffusing the situation and helping your partner to feel heard. It will help end this cycle of destructive communication and back on track to a more productive, positive discussion.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the last and the most destructive behavior that will quickly break down a relationship. It's when one person completely shuts down during an argument and withdraws from the conversation. They may refuse to talk and just sit there deadly silent.

It takes a while to get to this stage, but after a lot of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness in a relationship, stonewalling is usually the next step. Stonewalling is incredibly destructive because it essentially ends the conversation. It leaves both parties feeling unheard and frustrated and can lead to a feeling of hopelessness.

However, most people stonewall not because they intend to destroy the relationship. Usually, this type of behavior happens because of emotional flooding, where you are just overwhelmed by your emotions. It's a physiological response where your muscles tighten, your heart rate is high, and you can even start sweating as your body temperature rises. Yet, despite all this, you just sit still, frozen in place, unable to hear anything your partner is saying. Unintentional stonewalling may not be voluntary, but you may default to this behavior if your subconscious tries to protect yourself in cases of extreme stress.

But whether intentional or unintentional, stonewalling only makes the situation worse. Your partner will feel unheard and unsupported. It can be very hurtful to the other party because it can be interpreted as you not caring, giving up, and not respecting what they are saying. This will damage the relationship further. In fact, a study by Hooper et al. showed that stonewalling is the factor that had the greatest negative effect on relationship satisfaction in people from all demographics.

So how do you avoid unintentional stonewalling? The key is to manage your emotional flooding. When you're feeling overwhelmed, take a step back from the situation and calm yourself down. This may mean inhaling a few deep breaths, taking a break from the conversation, or even leaving the room for a few minutes. Once you've calmed down, you can come back and try to continue the discussion in a more constructive way.

Keep in mind that there is a very large difference between stonewalling and taking a break from the conversation to calm down. When you stonewall, you're essentially signaling to the other person that you are giving up and are not willing to work on things. When you take a break, you're still acknowledging that there's an issue to be resolved. You will just be delaying working on the issue until you become more emotionally regulated. When taking a break, it's beneficial to set a time period for the two people to meet back up and readdress the issue (Dr. Gottman suggests 20 minutes). This way, the other person knows that you haven't abandoned them and that you will come back to talk things through.

Final Thoughts

In order to have a healthy and productive relationship, it's important to be aware of the "Four Horsemen." These destructive behaviors can quickly break down even the strongest of relationships. While it may be difficult, being aware of these negative behaviors can help you avoid them in your own relationship.

If you find that you are already engaging in any of these behaviors, don't despair. It will take time and effort, but you can change these patterns with the help of a relationship coach. I will gladly work with you to help you resolve these toxic patterns. Avoiding these negative behaviors can be difficult, but it's important to try. With a little effort, you can turn things around and start rebuilding the trust and respect in your relationship.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

The next time you argue with your partner, try to catch yourself before you fall into any negative behavior patterns. Take a step back and see if there's a more constructive way to approach the issue. Remember, avoiding these negative behaviors is important to have a healthy and happy relationship.

References:

1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2021, March 1). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert, Revised and Updated(Unabridged). Tantor and Blackstone Publishing. https://www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/

2. Hooper, A., Spann, C., McCray, T., & Kimberly, C. (2017). Revisiting the Basics: Understanding Potential Demographic Differences With John Gottman’s Four Horsemen and Emotional Flooding. The Family Journal, 25(3), 224–229. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480717710650