How to Examine Your Core Wounds to Stop Toxic Relationship Patterns

Do you feel like you're always attracting the wrong type of partner? Do you find yourself in relationships where you feel unfulfilled or taken for granted? Do you keep repeating the same patterns of behavior in your relationships despite having the best intentions? If so, you could be trapped in a cycle of toxic relationship patterns caused by your core wounds.

Your core wounds can manifest themselves in many ways, but the most damaging is when they prevent you from forming healthy relationships with others. You may be saying to yourself: "THAT IS NOT ME! I'm different, and this definitely doesn't happen to me! I learn from my mistakes and don't repeat the same patterns." But really think about the course of your relationships and dating life. It's very easy to fall into these same patterns without actually realizing it. Being aware is always the first step.

Take some time to notice the qualities in others you are attracted to and how you come across in relationships. Do you always feel that you are the one who's putting in more effort? Do you find yourself making excuses for your partner's unacceptable behavior? Whenever a relationship starts getting serious, do you start finding flaws in your partner? Are there certain behaviors of your partner that make you feel uncomfortable, yet you ignore them thinking it will get better eventually? Do you feel like you constantly have to prove yourself in a relationship and keep up with unrealistic standards (codependency)? Or maybe you often feel like you need space and the other person is too clingy? Do you constantly feel overwhelmed in your relationships?

These are all signs of unhealthy relationship patterns that can be traced back to your core wounds. Without understanding and healing them, it's very difficult to form a healthy connection with someone else. The sooner you recognize and address these issues; the more successful your relationships will be.

This means being honest with yourself about why you're attracted to certain people and how your behavior has affected your relationships in the past. Chances are that you may have the best intentions but end up repeatedly engaging in certain patterns. So, why is that? This is what we will be exploring in this blog post. We will discuss what core wounds are and how they can affect your relationships. We'll also provide tips for healing these wounds and creating healthier relationships.

1. What are Core Wounds

Your core wounds are deep-seated feelings of hurt and insecurity that have been shaped by experiences and relationships early in your life. Although you can develop core wounds from extremely traumatic events as an adult, most of them stem from childhood. Examples include "I will be abandoned", "I will be betrayed", "I am unsafe", "I am trapped" and "I am helpless".

Your core wounds can be traced back to childhood experiences, traumas, or events that have shaped your beliefs about yourself, the world around you, and your relationships. Over time, these beliefs become so deeply rooted that they begin to shape how you view yourself and behave in relationships as an adult.

These unresolved core wounds will present themselves by creating issues such as fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, trust issues, insecurity, and unhealthy attachments. Eventually, they can lead to self-sabotage in relationships. This sabotage may involve engaging in emotional outbursts, flaw finding of the other person, testing the other person, etc. Therefore, it's important to pay attention since core wounds can affect your relationships in many ways.

Even during the dating phase, this could look like settling for partners who are not a good match for you or engaging in unsatisfying patterns of behavior, such as pushing people away when you feel overwhelmed. It’s important to recognize these unhealthy patterns so that you can take steps toward healing them.

2. The Psychology of Core Wounds and How They Affect Relationships

If you have had a string of failed romantic relationships, then there is a good chance that you engage in toxic relationship patterns. To list a few, these can include running away, distancing, becoming too clingy, manipulating, or even acting out. This is in no way an exhaustive list and taking an inventory of your relationship patterns is the first step to identifying the root of your relationship woes.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to be aware of our own behaviors. And even when we are aware of our own behaviors, we may not even quite understand why we act a certain way or engage in these patterns in the first place. Yet core wounds can explain why we continue to engage in these behaviors, regardless of how bad they make us feel.

In fact, a popular and very effective therapy model called CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) directly relate our actions and behaviors to our core beliefs or wounds. CBT looks at the beliefs, emotions, and thoughts that are driving our behavior. It helps us to identify these drivers and then change our behavior in order to feel more secure and fulfilled in our relationships.

The base model of CBT states that our core beliefs lead to automatic thoughts that lead to automatic emotions and eventually automatic behaviors. You can see that every step past happens on a subconscious/unconscious level. So it is not something you may easily be conscious of or have control over. That is always why sometimes we don't always understand why we act a certain way in relationships.

For example, if you have a fear of abandonment (seen in those with an anxious attachment style), you may be drawn to partners who initially appear loving and devoted but then distance themselves from you or become emotionally unavailable (avoidant attachment style). This type of pattern can leave you feeling hurt and confused, even though it may not be intentional on your partner’s part.

Furthermore, in a relationship, this fear of abandonment may lead you to act out by becoming needy or clingy to prevent your partner from leaving. You may even engage in protest behaviors such as threats and manipulation (without consciously realizing it!) to try and get your partner to stay. You may need a lot of reassurance and "acts of proof" that your partner won't leave you. This can damage a relationship, as it can push away the person you seek comfort and security from.

These ways of coping and relating are familiar to you and may even be all you know about relating in a romantic capacity. Therefore they feel familiar, even though they cause more pain in the long run. This can be a difficult cycle to break because it feels comfortable, but it is not healthy for you or your partner. In short, your core wounds can lead to toxic behavior in relationships.

Likewise, core wounds start affecting you from the very beginning even during the dating period. When you are dealing with unresolved core wounds, it’s likely you’ll attract and engage in relationships that validate your beliefs. You may be drawn to partners who validate your fears and thoughts and engage in patterns of behavior that ultimately become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This lead to dissatisfaction, hurt, and pain. It also further affirms that your core beliefs are true.

This is because we are wired to subconsciously look for partners who can heal these wounds. Our subconscious mind has a particular comfort zone, and we are naturally attracted to people who validate our core beliefs, even if these beliefs are wounded. Partners who may be a better fit for us may seem unfamiliar and, therefore, unwelcome to our subconscious. As a result, we often end up in relationships with people who do not bring us the love and security we need.

So it's only natural that understanding how your core wounds affect your relationships is the first step to healing them and creating healthier ones.

3. How do we identify our own core wounds

Unfortunately, core wounds are not easy to identify. The reason is that our core wounds are often not conscious. They exist primarily in the realm of our unconscious and subconscious. They are patterns or scripts that are deeply rooted in our minds, so deep that we don’t even realize we are acting them out sometimes.

This is because these wounds although these wounds can come from traumatic events of adulthood, most of them are usually created by experiences from early childhood, including our parents’ relationship with each other and their relationships with us.

As children, we often do not consciously recognize how certain experiences or behaviors affect us and don't have the ability to process the pain of these experiences. As we grow older, these scripts become ingrained in our subconscious, and we end up repeating them in our relationships without even being aware of them.

When we become aware of our core wounds, they can be healing opportunities if we find healthy ways to deal with them. You can start by noticing and reflecting on patterns of behavior in your current dating, relationships, and even past relationships that may have roots in past trauma or pain.

Also, pay attention to your triggers—situations or behaviors that evoke an intense reaction from you. When these arise in your relationships, take the time to stop and reflect on what is going on for you and why this might be happening. Ask yourself, "what am I making this situation mean?"

For example, let's say you have a core wound of "being unimportant." Maybe as a child, your parents worked long hours and were emotionally neglectful. You felt like you were low on your parent's priority list and felt "unimportant."

Even though your parent's actions made you feel this way does not mean that you are inherently "unimportant" as a human being. But because your unconscious/subconscious mind now has this deep belief, you may perceive yourself as "unimportant" to others, harboring this core wound.

You may notice in relationships now that whenever your significant other doesn't prioritize you or pays more attention to other areas of their life, it triggers this core wound and causes you to act out in a way that isn't healthy. You feel extreme pain when this happens because it embodies all your pain as a child. Your reaction is disproportional to your partner's actual amount of neglect because you have been carrying this deep pain and the misguided belief that you are "unimportant."

Recognizing the pattern of behavior, getting in touch with your core wounds, and understanding where they come from can help you heal them so that healthier relationships can form. By exploring your core wounds, you can learn to recognize them as they arise in relationships and develop healthier coping strategies that will allow you to create more meaningful connections with yourself and others.

4. How do we address them and start creating healthier relationships

Healing core wounds is a process that takes time and dedication, but it can be done. It involves challenging the beliefs shaped by these experiences, understanding why these patterns are showing up in your relationships, and ultimately reconditioning yourself to adopt different beliefs and patterns in relationships. This entire process requires a lot of self-compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance.

The first step is to become aware of your core wounds and how they might be impacting your relationships. Once you can identify the root of your patterns and reactions, it’s time to start addressing them head-on. It involves a delicate balance of self-reflection, challenging your core wounds, committing to practicing and adopting new ways of thinking and acting, and honest communication with yourself and your partner.

When engaging in self-reflection, it’s important to remember that you are not your wounds. Explore the origins of these beliefs and bring the understanding back to today. You can start reframing the scripts by challenging them. Remember, you are not a product of your circumstances, and you have the power to create your own beliefs and self-image now as an adult!

This entire process can be overwhelming and know that you can always reach out for help and support. As a dating coach, I often provide guidance, empathy, and tools to help my clients create healthier relationships with themselves and others. With dedication and hard work, healing your core wounds is possible!

6. Final thoughts

The key to creating healthier relationships is compassion towards yourself and willingness to be vulnerable and embrace your true self. This includes understanding yourself, your core wounds, and how they affect you. Then, take on the responsibility of healing them and reconditioning the way that you approach the world and relationships. As you heal these core wounds, it will open up the possibility for healthier connections with others.

If you would like help in every step of this journey, I am here to help you tackle your challenges and create meaningful relationships. Remember, you are capable of creating healthier relationships with yourself and others, no matter what. Feel free to reach out, and let’s get started on creating your best love life!

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Please be mindful about doing this exercise at your own risk. Bringing painful and/or traumatic memories can be extremely triggering. This exercise can be harmful in certain instances. If you have any diagnosed mental health issues, PTSD, severe trauma, or suicidal ideation, please do not do this exercise without the supervision of a mental health professional.

Examine an instance in your life where your romantic partner's actions made you feel a severe amount of hurt and pain. Now ask yourself, "what did I make it mean?" and keep asking yourself that question until you get to a place where the answer reflects on your own belief about your self-identity. Congratulations, you have most likely just identified one of your core wounds!

References:

1. Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

2. Boden, M. T., John, O. P., Goldin, P. R., Werner, K., Heimberg, R. G., & Gross, J. J. (2012). The role of maladaptive beliefs in cognitive-behavioral therapy: Evidence from social anxiety disorder. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 50(5), 287-291. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0005796712000344