How to Stop Ruminating and Obsessing Over an Ex after a Breakup

Breakups are always tough. Losing the one you love is heartbreaking. You are left thinking, “what went wrong?”. But what may have been a healthy question at the beginning of a breakup, sometimes extends into a marathon of intrusive thoughts that repeat over, over, and over again. “If I had just done this, would things have been different?”, “is there still a chance for things to work?”, “would I even want to give this another shot?”, “do they think about me?”, “will I ever be able to feel the way the same way that I felt at that time?”, “what went wrong?” are all questions constantly running through your head. Especially if you were on the receiving end of a breakup that you didn’t see coming, you may feel powerless to your own mind running at superspeed, nonstop.

It also wouldn’t be unusual for your emotions to fluctuate all over the place in sync with these thoughts or to have difficulty concentrating on other tasks in your life. You may even distract yourself from these thoughts by scrolling through the internet, spending hours watching tv, or even googling “how to stop rumination/obsession about a breakup.” Maybe that is even how you came upon this post! Well, you have come to the right place because I understand and will give you some solutions.

Understand the neuroscience of rumination

Research shows that rumination is a spontaneous, past-oriented, self-focused mental state that shuts down problem-solving abilities in the present. So, bear with me for this next little bit as I explain how neuroscience gets to this conclusion. It may get a little technical talking about the science behind it, but I will break it down over the remainder of this post.

Neuroimaging studies have shown that rumination is caused by abnormalities in an area of the brain called the default mode network (DMN). In a 2020 neuroimaging study performed by Chen et al., rumination was seen when the core of the DMN coupled more strongly with the part of the brain called the medial temporal lobe (MTL) and when core of the DMN coupled more weakly with the dorsal medial prefrontal cortex (DMPFC). The MTL is associated with autobiographical memory, past-oriented thoughts, and spontaneous thoughts. Whereas the DMPFC is associated with executive processes, present-oriented thoughts, and theory of mind.

Very simplistically: rumination = increased spontaneous, past-oriented, self-focused mental thoughts and decreased problem-solving skills and ability to focus on the present.

You may feel that obsessive thoughts are productive while you have them. You believe you are trying to resolve issues related to your breakup by going through the questions and making sense of things. However, neuroimaging has shown that there is decreased neuronal coupling to the regions of your brain involved in executive processes during rumination. That means that during rumination, your brain decreases recruitment of the area used for solving complex problems. There is no point in leaning into ruminative thoughts because although you may feel that they help you resolve issues, they are actually shutting down your capacity to solve problems.

Since there is really no benefit in continuing in a rumination state, what are some of the things that we can do to stop it?

Ways to stop rumination right now

One way is by meditating. In a neuroimaging study done in 2011, Brewer et al. showed that experienced meditators showed less activity in the areas of the brain associated with rumination compared to people who did not meditate. In addition, this was shown to be the case both during meditation and resting states. This is not surprising since we know that the brain activates past-oriented thoughts while shutting down present-oriented thoughts during rumination. The core teaching of meditation is to train your brain to focus on the present, reversing the effects of obsessive thinking and re-engaging the areas of your brain that are being shut down. I love meditation to reset and reroute my mind, and I have found it to be highly effective in helping me get out of any cycles of rumination.

I would even go a step further and advocate that, in the same vein, any activity that will bring your brain to a present-oriented thought pattern should, in theory, help with rumination. Any mindfulness practice would fit into this category, including mindful walking, journaling, and yoga.

Any activity that engages your problem-solving ability in the present would be even better. Engaging your executive processes activates even more areas of your brain shut down during obsessive thinking. So, feel free to expand beyond mindfulness to include activities like solving a puzzle, playing an engaging video game, taking a class, exercising, reading a book, cooking, or even taking a road trip. Anything that uses your entire problem-solving capacity to bring you to the present.

Another option is to go out and do something super exciting that you have not done! Anything that pumps your adrenaline and challenges you to be present in the current moment, like go-kart racing, white water rafting, or even bungee jumping! This will activate more of your sympathetic system, and you’ll be too focused on the thrill than your ruminating thoughts. The sky really is the limit.

How to stop rumination forever

Lastly, note that all the above techniques are ways to move away from rumination and “reset” your brain, so to speak. Repeatedly moving away from rumination will definitely help recondition your brain to develop new pathways to stop ruminating.

Although there is no clear scientific evidence of what leads to the start of a rumination cycle, psychologists usually attribute it to your brain still holding on to unresolved feelings, thoughts, and events. Hence, the spontaneous focus on how one presented themselves in the past that we see with obsessive thinking.

Therefore, to stop rumination after a breakup forever, it’s essential to work on the root cause. Processing these thoughts, feelings, and events of the breakup (while not ruminating) that you may still be holding on to will help you stop these obsessive thoughts for good!

In my closure post series, I go over all the information you need to process your thoughts during a breakup in a healthy manner. The series is written in three parts and addresses many issues that help you resolve aspects of the breakup to get the closure you need. You can find the posts here: Closure Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

In addition, to help you with any feelings of failure, please read my blog post on Overcoming Failure in Relationships which will help you think through the breakup in a more constructive way.

Recruit your self-compassion

When a relationship ruptures, it causes a whole host of emotional and psychological factors leading to one of the most complex human experiences. Simply put, this is one of the most intense experiences you’ll ever go through in your life, and it can be absolutely crazy making! You are only human. You are going through something so difficult right now.

Your mind ruminating and obsessing is part of a natural process that you are going through. Please do not beat yourself up for it. You probably feel emotionally raw and hurt and there is no such thing as too emotional. Although mindfulness practices help decrease these thoughts over time, it is natural to slip up. Losing the one you love is difficult for anybody. It does not matter if you are a man or a woman, old or young.

There is no place for guilt or shame when going through this process. You may worry that your inability to focus on other vital tasks is becoming detrimental in your life, but please don’t guilt or shame yourself for this. You are going through something extraordinarily difficult; you need to give yourself the space, permission, and support to heal. More than ever, offer yourself some self-compassion. You are going through a lot and need yourself in your corner! Although it does not feel this way, I know with 100% certainty that you are going to get through this.

If you are going through a difficult breakup and need help processing your feelings, thoughts, and events, feel free to contact me for coaching. I am in your corner; you don’t have to go through it alone.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

When you catch yourself ruminating, set aside 2 minutes to be compassionate to yourself and 10 minutes to practice some form of mindfulness to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts.

References:

Chen, X., Chen, N. X., Shen, Y. Q., Li, H. X., Li, L., Lu, B., Zhu, Z. C., Fan, Z., & Yan, C. G. (2020). The subsystem mechanism of default mode network underlying rumination: A reproducible neuroimaging study. NeuroImage, 221, 117185. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2020.117185

Brewer, J. A., Worhunsky, P. D., Gray, J. R., Tang, Y. Y., Weber, J., & Kober, H. (2011). Meditation experience is associated with differences in default mode network activity and connectivity. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(50), 20254–20259. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1112029108