Closure Part 2: Is Relationship Closure After a Break-up What YOU Need?

In Part 1 of this post, we discussed what it means to get relationship closure after a break-up and whether closure was really needed. Personally, after the end of my past relationships, I often felt lost, not knowing if my own expectations around closure were realistic. Closure is such a complex term that it can have different meanings to different people. I questioned if I needed it, what it meant to be able to get it and what role it had in my life and healing after my break-ups.

In the past, I did search for these answers online. There were a plethora of anecdotal blog posts and many individuals’ opinions on this topic. But even these posts were so varied in detailing their experiences and advice. I couldn’t get a consensus or an answer that was truly rooted in expert opinion.

So, I felt it was paramount to write a post where I could review the psychological literature and break it down for my readers. My goal is to consolidate some of these opinions and debunk others. I hope my previous article was able to provide some clarity to you in your situation. I want you to become informed about this confusing process as to how closure fits in the resolution of a break-up in your life.

At the end of the first post, I summarized that we all have innate needs for closure. This is based on our personalities. Some of us want and need closure a lot more than others. Having this difference is entirely normal. But, some people can take this to the extreme. They either avoid reexamining the past at all costs or obsessively seek a definitive answer or explanation of what happened. Either way, it is always wise to look deeper to make sure there aren’t other factors affecting your break-up.

So in this post, I want to examine these extremes and walk you through whether closure is really what YOU need. Let’s get to it!

Avoidance of Closure

On one end of the spectrum, if you have an extreme avoidance of closure, this is something to watch out for. It can be caused by deep-seated reasons that dissuade you from gaining clarity due to perceived costs associated with closure.

• You may fear the closure process will make you feel rejected.
• You may worry that if you looked back at the relationship, you would find out everything you did wrong and feel guilty.
• You may fear that self-reflection may allow you to see all your shortcomings and feel defective.
• You may worry that going through what happened will illuminate the worst part of you.
• You may fear feelings of shame from examining how you behaved during the relationship.
• You may worry that if you genuinely reach closure, you’ll have no more excuses but to move on.

You can even be someone who innately needs closure to move on. Still, these reasons are often so strong that subconsciously you feel paralyzed and unable to think back, examine and draw conclusions from the relationship. In these cases, your fears can be so great that it wins out against what you truly desire. You can become emotionally stuck in this anxiety state for a very long time, suppressing your emotions, needs, and yourself.  

The trick with this is that you’d think that it would be obvious to spot people who avoid closure. You’d think this person would just say they don’t need or want closure. But sometimes, it manifests as someone saying they wish to have closure more than anything! They want to examine the relationship, get an explanation and close the chapter, but then always have an excuse for why they can never get it. If that is you, it’s time to ask yourself if there is something underneath it all.

Gaining awareness of these reasons and working through them can free you to achieve the closure you need to move on. Start by looking at why you either don’t want or haven’t gotten closure. Dig deeper and deeper. If that reason is fear, then that is your warning sign.

Owning up to these or similar reasons takes vulnerability and bravery, and it is not easy. I offer so much compassion because truly seeing ourselves is one of the hardest things we can do. But if you are going through this, this is the first step towards freeing yourself and getting yourself what you truly need to move on.

It may also be helpful to have professional guidance through this process, either through a coach, therapist, or others who have gone through the same thing. They can help you think through what is underneath and work through your fears, feelings, and beliefs.

But what if you are totally on board with getting closure? What if you are on the other end of the spectrum and have an extreme desire for it?

Obsession with Closure

Kruglanski clarified in his paper that “the need for closure is a desire for definite knowledge on some issue.” It supports that wanting closure and reaching for understanding towards an issue is very normal psychologically. However, it is essential to note that closure is primarily a need for certainty and NOT a part of emotional processing. Evaluating the reasons for wanting closure is crucial no matter where you are on the spectrum. An intense need for closure may be related to wanting emotional regulation.

If you have just had a break-up, then you can probably relate. Everyone wishes that there was a magic pill that could fix how they were feeling and undo the crash that just happened in their lives. However, when something like this happens, there is no way to take it back. The pieces of the impact are there, and unfortunately, it is up to them to pick themselves back up piece by piece. One of the pieces is making sense of what caused the crash in the first place. It is imperative to understand the repercussions and the lessons. But another entirely different piece is to emotionally heal from what could be a rather traumatic experience.

Proponents of closure often feel that something is missing for them to be able to move on. They usually say that it is usually something that they need from their ex.

• If they just got some type of explanation
• If they could just have a genuine apology
• If their ex-partner could just understand their good intentions
• If they could just feel validated for what they have gone through

If those things were to happen, they would feel satisfied. The impact of this crash would be reduced to just a tiny bump. Sometimes people become almost obsessed with wanting this, which can keep them from truly moving on.

If you feel that you have an extremely high need for closure, almost to a level of obsession, I do empathize. I have been in the same boat before, and it took me a long time to see things clearly. Usually, what is underneath this extreme desire is actually a need for emotional healing. It usually has nothing to do with getting answers or an explanation. In these instances, even if you did get all the answers and explanations, it would still not be enough.

I am here to tell you that nothing that your ex could ever say can get rid of the emotional pain that you are feeling. In the very best of cases, your ex may give you some understanding of the events that happened. That may be helpful or not in helping with the need for certainty. But no amount of clarity, understanding, or closure can erase the hurt in your heart. I am saying this in the most compassionate way possible because the first step towards healing is to radically accept this.

Looking to your ex to free you will keep you stuck. You disempower yourself by making your ex responsible for your feelings. You and only you have the power AND the responsibility of getting through this. When you start to radically accept that you are not a victim, you can finally become an agent of change.

Emotional healing is a process that will take time. Give yourself lots of self-compassion because it is hard work, but there is no way around it. If you want to heal 100% from the break-up without lasting triggers, you must confront the negative feelings and walk through the fire, so to speak. That burden can’t and never will be on your ex.

But the good news is that you are not alone. If you so choose, there are therapists, coaches, and resources from this blog that can help with emotional pain. There are also many community spaces (such as our Growtheart Facebook Community) that can support you in this journey.

I promise you that going through this will give you your power back and make you better than ever. Only you have the ability to heal yourself. Don’t give your power away.

If you realize you have an excessive want for closure, ensure you are not confusing closure with emotional healing. That is a very different topic and must be worked on separately. The conclusions that you draw from your break-up should not be affected by your current fragile emotional state. When you mix them up, you tend to make inaccurate judgments.

I hope this post has helped you understand how to identify unhealthy patterns from 1) extreme avoidance or 2) excessive want of closure. Don’t forget to check out Part 3 of this blog post which will explain “How to get relationship closure after a break-up the right way.”

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Examine the reasons behind your need for closure? Is there something else there? Is there a fear underneath? Is there a need for emotional healing or regulation? Write down and figure out your reasons, and be sure to check out the last part of this post in Closure - Part 3.

Reference:

Webster, D. M., & Kruglanski, A. W. (1994). Individual differences in need for cognitive closure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67(6), 1049–1062. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.67.6.1049