Closure Part 1: Is Relationship Closure Needed After a Break-Up?

No matter how long your relationship was, break-ups are never fun. Being on the receiving end of a break-up is one of the worst positions you can find yourself in, especially if you didn’t see it coming. Your entire world changes in such a drastic way, so suddenly and sometimes without warning. It can feel like a crash, a massive shift that happens to you out of nowhere, and you must now examine the pieces and deal with the consequences. It is only normal that the pain, the confusion, and the doubts come flooding in all at once. It can be extremely overwhelming, making you question if you will ever untangle yourself from all this. Will you be able to process everything going on? Will you ever be the same again after this?

One of the main pieces of advice out there is that you must seek closure to be able to move on. It has been hyped up as the rite of passage of what you must go through before becoming happy and free again. It is as if your psyche or soul cannot escape the entrapment of another if you do not have all the answers. Some people believe that you need closure to make sense of your world again so that it will no longer be turned upside down. But this view is far from universal.

On the other camp, some people choose to completely disregard closure. They think it doesn’t help to dwell on the past and decide instead to numb themselves with alcohol, parties, and drugs. Sometimes, these distractions can be fruitful and include exercise, productive projects, and expanding their careers. They improve their lives and shift their focus to forget about the break-up. This eventually leads to more fulfillment, which helps them move on.

But perhaps the worse form of coping may be getting into another relationship immediately. Sometimes people just want to replace the gaping hole in their hearts left by the destruction of the break-up. So, they find themselves getting into a relationship with someone else as soon as possible. Some people will concentrate all their effort on forgetting the incident and claim that they have already moved on, never to look back.

So, who is right? Is closure just hype, or is closure necessary to move on?

What is Closure?

Cognitive closure was a term defined by Arie Kruglanski, a social psychologist, in 1996 as “individuals’ desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity.” In his psychological model, this need for closure led to two tendencies which he coins the “seizing” tendency and the “freezing” tendency. The effect of these tendencies on the mind is that people with a high need for closure will be more likely to make poor judgments by drawing the wrong conclusions and then sticking to this erroneous deduction even when presented with new information.

The “seizing” is a tendency towards obtaining closure as soon as possible, meeting the need for urgency. The “freezing” is a tendency toward maintaining this closure for as long as possible, meeting the need for permanence. Because of these tendencies, an individual with a high need for closure tends to make judgments with cognitive biases called the primacy effect. This means that their minds will often draw conclusions based on only the first piece of information without considering all the information that comes afterward. They tend to ignore the overall context of the situation.

This is not surprising! We know that people needing closure tend to subconsciously grab on to any information fast and make quick decisions based on them. An example would be Justin, who saw a picture of his ex with another guy, immediately concluding that the other guy was the reason for the break-up. He wants closure so badly, so his brain wants an answer as soon as possible. When he finally comes to conclusions about what happened, his urgency for obtaining closure and certainty is fulfilled.

The following tendency is that he will likely anchor on to this first piece of knowledge and become stuck in this thinking. In the case of Justin, no amount of evidence would convince him that the other guy was not the reason for his break-up. The inclination here is to defend these conclusions. Because it is natural to want a sense of permanence.

Even if new information becomes available, such as if Justin finds out that the other guy was just his ex’s friend. It is still tricky for Justin’s mind to integrate this new finding because of the mind’s tendency to cling to the judgments that were derived before. This is especially true in high-stress and urgent situations associated with a sudden break-up.

This all means that wanting closure is a normal psychological need. We all have been primed to learn from our experiences, draw conclusions and try to reach an understanding so that we don’t end up in the same situation. It is very common to need a level of certainty in our lives that comes with that closure. In fact, certainty is one of the 6 basic human needs.

However, we must be wary that the stronger our desire for closure is, the more it will lead the mind to make poor judgments. We put ourselves in a position that causes improper processing of information. So, the great tragedy is that the more we want closure, the more likely our closure will be inaccurate, leading us to the wrong conclusions.

But don’t worry, even if you have gone down the rabbit hole, in Part 3 of this post, we go over “How to get relationship closure after a break-up the right way.” It will help you examine your conclusions to ensure you don’t suffer from primacy bias. The post walks you through how to reevaluate your thoughts in a manner that serves YOU.

Is Closure Necessary?

Arie Kruglanski published a way to quantitatively measure an individual’s need for closure. His research showed that stable individuals inherently have different wants and needs for how much closure they get. Most differences in how much closure someone needs can be attributed primarily to their personality.

Furthermore, a group of people actively avoid closure because they see closure as more harmful than not. They prefer ambiguity over certainty since it frees them from having to carry out certain actions as a result of having a firm answer. They want to avoid potential consequences such as feeling rejected and criticized by others or themselves.

Kruglanski mentions that although people have differing degrees of need for closure, this need is significantly increased during stress. It is reasonable to say that the stress levels can be particularly intense in a sudden break-up situation. So if you are in this situation, you must be even more careful and aware of your needs and biases.

Finally, the answer is that closure is indeed not necessary. Some people are not as attached to certainty as others and therefore don’t need closure to move on. Some people have a more substantial need for certainty and resolution and therefore need closure to move on. Both are within the normal spectrum. Ultimately how much closure we need is associated with our innate personality.

I hope this post has helped you understand: 1) what closure is and 2) if closure is needed.

In the next post, I will highlight that examining the reasons underlying your need or lack of need for closure is always essential. You don’t want to be on either of the extremes. Extreme avoidance of closure or obsessively wanting closure can both indicate something else going on. Check out Part 2 of this blog post to help you figure out: “Is relationship closure after a break-up what YOU need?”

In Part 3 of this series, we go over “How to get relationship closure after a break-up the right way.” This way, we ensure you have no biases and draw the closure conclusions that serve YOU.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Examine your position towards relationship closure. Think about your past relationships and your overall pattern. Do you generally feel like you need it or not? Does it seem that you tend to avoid closure? Or are you someone who really wants it? Write down and be sure to check out the second half of this post in Closure - Part 2.

References:

Kruglanski, A. W., & Webster, D. M. (1996). Motivated closing of the mind: “Seizing” and “freezing.” Psychological Review, 103(2), 263–283. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295x.103.2.263

Webster, D. M., & Kruglanski, A. W. (1994). Individual differences in need for cognitive closure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67(6), 1049–1062. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.67.6.1049