Are You "Too Emotional" in a Relationship? The Truth About Emotions

Have you ever been called "too emotional"? Perhaps your significant other has called you sensitive, dramatic, or reactive. Maybe the last time you broke down crying or screaming in anger, you were called an "emotional wreck" or told you have "anger issues." These are all similar variations of the same criticism: our emotions are just too strong, and you need to chill out!

If you are like me and have been told these things, it's easy to question if you are indeed too emotional yourself. You may feel guilty or shameful for the way you reacted to certain situations in the past. You may wonder if your attribute of being "too emotional" negatively affects your relationships at the end of the day.

But what does that "too emotional" really mean? Is it a bad thing to be emotional? And can we really control our emotions anyway? Before you go around thinking that you are a relationship failure and that your feelings are getting the best of you, stay tuned! In this blog post, we'll explore the truth about emotions and debunk some myths floating around for years.

Why is there no such thing as "too emotional"

To understand emotions, you must first understand the neuroscience of emotions. Dr. Panksepp, the pioneer of emotional neurobiology, studied emotions in mammals for over 50 years. His book, Affective Neuroscience, explains that certain emotional categories (including happiness, sadness, fear, anger, and disgust) are biologically basic. What this means is that emotions are automatic responses to universal events. They exist because, as animals, we have adapted our brains to exhibit these emotions to keep us alive under certain circumstances. These responses are preprogrammed and involuntary but also cultural and individual-specific. So, they are often shaped by our life experiences.

When you think about it, it's incredible how emotions work. They can be intense and all-consuming, but they are there because they serve an important purpose. Evolutionarily speaking, they developed as a way to keep us safe. If we didn't feel fear when we were in danger or sadness when we lost someone we cared about, then we wouldn't know to avoid all the perils that could kill us.

Even more interesting, although we all share the same universal emotional categories, our emotions can be quite different from one person to the next. This is because our previous life experiences play a significant role in shaping how we feel about things. If you've ever wondered why you feel differently than someone else about a particular situation, your perspectives have likely been shaped by different occurrences in the past.

This is why there is no such thing as "too emotional." Because emotions are the automatic way our brain processes the world around us. So, if you feel guilt or shame about being "too emotional," know there is no such thing. It is entirely normal to feel strong emotions. These feelings are completely involuntary. In fact, it would be highly abnormal if you didn't feel the emotions that you feel, given your experiences in life. So, be confident knowing that having your feelings are entirely justified. Emotions are an essential part of who we are. In fact, they are a large part of what makes up our identity.

Negative emotions reveal beliefs and fears

Emotions happen all the time. Even as you are reading this particular blog article, you have probably felt a myriad of emotions, however mild. So, it's imperative to remember that they ultimately serve an essential purpose. Emotions are our intuition's way of telling us when something is wrong or right.

We often think of negative emotions as being "bad" because they make us uncomfortable. In fact, many of us tend to suppress our negative feelings or bury them deep within ourselves because it can be socially unacceptable to have these emotions. They can sometimes make us and the people around us feel uneasy. But the reality is that negative feelings are there to reveal something important about ourselves.

It's important to welcome them because each negative emotion is an opportunity to understand something about our brain and subconscious. They are a sign that there is something else going on underneath. They often point to a particular belief or fear that we may not even be consciously aware that we have.

For example, suppose you feel jealous of a friend spending more time with another friend than with you. It may be because you believe you are not that important to your friend or fear that you will lose your friend to someone else. Remember that, ultimately, our emotions are here to protect us. So even though negative emotions are not always effective, they always have a positive intention.

In this situation, your jealousy may be trying to protect you from social rejection. Which in ancient times meant that you would be excluded from the tribe and have less chance of survival. But, now those emotions no longer apply because we all know it doesn't work quite the same in modern times.

Displaying jealousy will probably have the opposite effect and make your friend like you less. But, examining the fear and underlying intention beneath the jealousy allows you to consciously understand what is happening and act accordingly. This brings us to the next section discussing the difference between being emotional and acting emotional.

The difference between being emotional and acting emotional

There is a big difference between being emotional and acting emotional. Understanding the distinction is important because it makes all the difference in your relationships with others. When we are "being emotional," we are simply experiencing our emotions. We may feel happy, sad, scared, or angry, but we are not necessarily expressing these emotions outwardly.

On the other hand, "acting emotional" means that we are not only experiencing the emotion but also behaving in a way that is consistent with that emotion. For example, we may cry or withdraw from people close to us when we are sad. If we are feeling angry, we may shout or become aggressive. You can see how this can cause problems in relationships because now we are taking those emotions (healthy or not) out on others. Sometimes, we can even go as far as making other people responsible for our feelings.

I want to stress that we cannot control our emotions. However, we do have control over how we act as a result. It is important to remember that just because we feel a certain way does not mean we have to act on those emotions.

I understand that when we feel strongly about something, the impetus is to do or say something about it. The key is to be aware of how our emotions affect our behavior. If we find that our feelings are causing us to act in a way that is destroying our relationships, then we have the power and the responsibility to change that behavior.

So how do we do that?

Emotional Regulation 101

Emotional Regulation is a broad topic. Many skills and  techniques fall under the umbrella of "regulating emotions." In fact, there are entire books on this. But, for the purposes of this blog post, I'm going to show you a simple way that you can use to tackle some of the problematic behaviors that may arise from negative emotions. It consists of 5 steps that include 1) Mindfulness, 2) Gratitude, 3) Awareness, 4) Choice, and 5) Action.

The 5-Step Emotional Regulation

1) The first step is MINDFULNESS.

You must step back and observe your emotions without judgment and with acceptance. Really feel your feelings in this instance. This can be difficult, mainly if you are used to suppressing or numbing negative feelings. But I urge you to do the opposite and observe what you feel through a curious lens.

Negative emotions rarely go away when you try to bury or distract from them. In fact, they tend to come out in destructive ways in these situations. In the example above about feeling jealous of a friend spending time with someone else, the jealousy would have most likely come out through either a passive-aggressive comment or another type of aggressive behavior. When you try to ignore your negative emotions, they tend to come out dysregulated. It makes them even harder to control.

So, give yourself a lot of self-compassion and accept all the negative feelings. It is so important to acknowledge them before trying to change them. If it helps, you can name the feelings that you have identified.

2) The second step is GRATITUDE.

Once you have welcomed all the negative emotions, try to feel gratitude by understanding that, ultimately, they are there trying to help you. Your brain wants the best for you. Even if these negative emotions are misguided, ineffective, and end up sabotaging you, they have a positive intention. They are here for you!

3) The third step is AWARENESS.

Ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Go deep. Try to understand your underlying beliefs or fears about the situation. Write these down if it helps you. What is underneath it all? Go deeper and find out what your negative emotions are trying to protect you from. What is your mind trying to prevent from happening? Then, try to get some clarity on what you really want out of this situation instead.

4) The fourth step is CHOICE.

Know that you can act differently. You can make a different choice. You have options! You can replace destructive behaviors with more effective ones that help you build better relationships. Choose an appropriate action that gets you what you want instead of your default behavior (that is now outdated) that gets you further away from what you want.

5) The fifth step is ACTION.

Change what you do accordingly. You can do this! You have all that you need to build up your relationships in a constructive manner. You have the power to become a better version of yourself.

EXAMPLE

Okay, so what does this look like in practice? Below, I will use the example above of the jealous friend to help illustrate this. Let's say I'm envious of my friend spending time with someone else.

1) Instead of trying to ignore the feeling, I first observe it with curiosity. When I place focus on it, I realize that my head feels heavy, and my chest feels like it's pounding. I accept that I'm feeling jealous and maybe even a little anxious.

2) I know my mind and body are trying to protect and tell me something. I am grateful that my instincts are kicking in to help me somehow, even if I don't know what it is yet.

3) Then, I ask myself, what is going on? What do I believe about this situation, and what do I fear? I realize that underneath the jealousy is actually disappointment, hurt, and fear. I believe that I'm not important to her. I think she is no longer interested in me as a friend. What if she stops calling me altogether? Then I suddenly realize what this is all about: I'm scared of being abandoned and rejected!

What I need in this situation is not really for her to stop seeing the other friend. What I need is to know that our friendship is intact. I need to know that I'm still a priority in her life and that she is not going to abandon or reject me.

4) I know that I have a choice. I can continue to suppress my emotions and let little passive-aggressive jabs at her slowly poison our friendship little by little. Which is ineffective and precisely the opposite of what I need. Or I can make myself vulnerable and tell her my true feelings and fear. This way, I can see if she is a true friend who will take my emotions, fears, and concerns seriously.

5) I decide to talk to her and tell her exactly how I feel and what I would like from her, which in this case, is some reassurance. In fact, I use the skills I learned from the FREE Ultimate Communication Mini-Course to get my message across in a way that really helps build our friendship. Now, I have put forth my best self, being authentic in what I need while being explicit in my intentions of connecting with her. It’s undoubtedly much better than doing the opposite, blowing up, or acting passive-aggressive and pushing her away.

Conclusion

So these are the five steps you can take to deal with negative emotions constructively. The goal is not to get rid of them but to understand and work with them so that they can help you gain perspective and seek a different course of action. Negative emotions can be painful, but they ultimately help us understand ourselves, grow and heal.

So, the next time someone tells you that you are "too emotional," remember that these feelings are normal and natural. You can control how you act as a result of them. They are not a sign that something is wrong with you. In fact, they might just be the key to understanding yourself more deeply and forming better relationships.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Think through a negative emotion you either have now or had in the recent past. Go through the 5 steps and see what you come up with!

References:

Panksepp, J. (2010, December 31). Affective neuroscience of the emotional BrainMind: evolutionary perspectives and implications for understanding depression. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 12(4), 533–545. https://doi.org/10.31887/dcns.2010.12.4/jpanksepp

Panksepp, J. (2004, September 30). Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions (Series in Affective Science) (1st ed.). Oxford University Press.

Ekman, P., & Cordaro, D. (2011, September 20). What is Meant by Calling Emotions Basic. Emotion Review, 3(4), 364–370. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073911410740