Dating Burnout Part 1: Reasons Why You Suffer from Online Dating Burnout

With over 300 million people now using dating apps worldwide, apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge have become commonplace in the smartphones of modern singles. The rise of dating apps has also coincided with increased loneliness globally. Whether true or not, dating apps promise to be a great and easy way to meet new people and help with the loneliness epidemic. But the truth is that this promise may not always pan out as you would have imagined.

If you are not careful, the constant influx of new messages or swiping can quickly become overwhelming. For some men, you may get on the apps and swipe every day without many reciprocal matches. If your match percentages are low, you may jump from app to app just to see if you are more likely to get a match. For women, you may receive so many messages and matches that it is hard to make the time and pay attention to any of them. You feel lost in a barrage of matches and spend too much effort keeping up with the text messages.

Lastly, both genders may go on a string of horrible dates with people they ultimately have no connection with. They may feel down for wasting a considerable amount of time only to feel disappointed in the end. What happens when you start feeling that it is all just too much? That is when you may begin feeling online dating burnout.

What is Online Dating Burnout?

Online dating app burnout refers to the feeling of fatigue that comes from continuous dating app use. When you have been on dating apps for months, and nothing seems to be working out, it is easy to feel frustrated. You can start feeling disconnected from this whole dating experience. Even when thinking about it, you have a perpetual feeling of stress or exhaustion.

You can get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of potential profiles you must go through. You may even start feeling hopeless and demotivated, wondering that you might not find anyone. With time, you may no longer get excited by romantic prospects. Then eventually, it even feels almost like a second job. In the worst-case scenario, feelings of low esteem can creep up. These are classic signs that you are experiencing online dating burnout.

This is an extremely painful state to be in and can make you feel dead inside. No one wants to feel dragged down when online dating. It is supposed to be a fun, exciting, and pleasant experience. To make matters complicated, all these negative feelings of being burned out can contribute to poor mental health by making you anxious, apathetic, or depressed. Even worse, this experience is quite common among users of dating apps.

According to a study by Singles Report on 500 singles aged 18-54, approximately 78.37% suffer from emotional fatigue or burnout when online dating. That is roughly 4 singles out of every 5, showing that dating burnout is rather prevalent. If you are experiencing it, know that you are not alone. Burnout is the norm. You likely know many people who are going through the same experience. Although there is a minor gender difference, dating burnout is universal, with 81.20% of females versus 75.59% of males reporting that they have felt its effects. This happens quite commonly to both genders. The opposite sex is struggling just as much as you with the same feelings.

Given the universal nature of this phenomenon, dating burnout is essential to talk about. This is also why this article needed to be written. If you are experiencing this, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are a host of factors that causes it, which I will talk about below. Then, I will outline some strategies to prevent it in Part 2 of this post.

Why Online Dating Burnout Happens

It is easy to blame the current dating culture and people on dating apps for how common online dating burnout is. However, it is crucial to recognize that dating burnout happens both due to external as well as internal factors. Below, I list the three external factors (Numbers 1-3) and the four internal factors (Numbers 4-7) that cause it.

1. Rejection

Let us get the big one out of the way because online dating can magnify rejection, especially for men. Granted, females also go through rejection just the same. I have certainly had my fair share of rejections, but in my opinion, it is not on the same level.

It is one thing to ask an acquaintance, friend, or even stranger here and there and get rejected. It is another level when you swipe every day for weeks or months on hundreds and thousands of women without getting any matches. Sometimes, you finally get a match, and they immediately unmatch you or don't respond to you.

Even if you meet someone you like, it can be disappointing when unreciprocated. All these rejections can feel personal and especially devastating. Anyone would feel discouraged and jaded after multiple romantic failures.

2. Negative Interactions

Online dating is filled with people who hide in the anonymity of dating apps. The fact is that there is no sense of accountability, honesty, or repercussion when dealing with "just another profile." People who would have never had the courage to be rude in person can be highly insulting online by hiding behind the internet.

It's never fun to open up your apps and receive derogatory comments from another person you've never met. Both sexes can be equally disrespectful and abusive. The online dating world can be ruthless, from comments on someone's physical appearance to their desirability or just taking out frustration on other people.

When you have been exposed to multiple interactions like this, it is only natural that you lose faith in the inherent goodness of humankind. There is no shortage of people who treat others like disposable objects. In an environment where you are already in a high state of vulnerability, these harmful interactions can be detrimental to your willpower to continue being open to a connection.

3. Confusing Interactions

This problem is really three-fold. Due to the low barrier of entry in online dating apps, it is easy to meet people who have no idea what they want in a relationship. They sometimes don't even know what to eat for breakfast, let alone in their own life. They sign up for an account, sometimes on a whim, hoping that the dating app will help them find out what they want. The problem occurs when you know what you want and don't want to be the one they "experiment" with.

On the other hand, you also have people who have used avoidance coping strategies their entire lives. Their avoidance can occur even more often in online dating and is often left unexamined. This is because no ties in online dating (such as social, religious, or workplace mutual groups) keep them accountable.

This is further exacerbated by the fact that avoidant behaviors have become normalized or even lauded in online dating culture. It makes behaviors like ghosting, commitment phobia, and lack of emotional intimacy almost commonplace.

Lastly, some purposely avoid providing clarity when it benefits them in some way. This can go from someone who may have a secret family but is dating on the side for validation to someone dating multiple people and cannot make up their mind. Or maybe they are just someone who wants to string you along. The main feature is that these confusing interactions are deliberately designed to mess with your head.

This lack of clarity can drive you absolutely insane! Suppose you are somebody who knows who you're looking for, treats people with decency, and puts effort into clear communication. In that case, it can be difficult for you to relate.

Making an effort to figure out what the other person means can be an emotionally draining endeavor. It is easy to see how these interactions can be super frustrating and make you jaded about online dating.

4. Unmet Needs

One of the main problems with online dating is that it creates an atmosphere that fosters a breadth of human connections without fostering the depth of human relationships. Yet, a lot of the human need for connection, especially in a romantic setting, is linked to the depth of emotional intimacy. If anything, I would argue that dating apps' design dissuades the formation of deep relationships.

The way an app runs almost as an endless catalog of potential partners, combined with quick swiping, makes people seem easily disposable. Dating apps gamifies swiping on multiple people, daily checking of chat messages, and continuous use of the app itself to find more and more matches.

This creates an insatiable cycle of mindless swiping to gain further validation and trigger the good feelings the app gives you when you have a match. What the app does not give you is a gold star when you finally set up a date to meet and show up, or when you get into a relationship, or when you ask deep, intimate questions that receive vulnerable and candid answers.

Yet these are the interactions that can really meet the human need for a romantic connection. Over time, this unmet need can lead to disillusionment about the whole process.

5. Internal Pressure and Expectations

If you are reading this blog and trying to find ways to improve your dating life, then you are a true go-getter! But it's easy to blur the lines between goal-oriented and taking things way too seriously sometimes.

When trying hard to get into an intimate, connected, and stable relationship, it is easy to put too much pressure on yourself and the situation. Many of us have almost relentless inner expectations of ourselves. We see online dating almost as a goal or achievement.

We may expect ourselves to keep up with all of our daily swipes, initiate or respond to all the conversations, make sure the conversation is flowing, go on a bunch of dates or even plan the perfect date. The standard we set for ourselves can sometimes be so high that we burn ourselves out just by trying to keep up with online dating.

Or we might expect to get a set number of matches, go on so many dates, receive many positive responses, or impress our potential partners. It is easy to set the bar so high that it is almost impossible to clear, and then we beat ourselves down.

Go-getters are the ones who are especially likely to suffer from perfectionism trauma. So, it's important to notice your approach to online dating and whether a sense of internal pressure exacerbates the feelings of burnout.

6. Weak or Lack of Boundaries

Do you mention anything when your date cancels at the last minute, and you feel strongly inconvenienced by this change? Do you communicate when your needs are unmet or when your dating interactions with someone seem one-sided? Do you have a clear idea of what is acceptable behavior in terms of how someone else relates to you? If you answered no to any of these questions, it might be a sign that you lack clear boundaries.

Many of us were never taught how to establish or think about our boundaries in a relationship. If you find yourself having a hunch when things are not right but hesitate to act on them. Then, this may be a sign that your boundaries are either somewhat weak or have not been entirely well thought through.

The truth is we teach other people how to treat us. And the way we do this is by having standards and boundaries. Boundaries are always important, no matter how intimate, connected, and loving a relationship is.

It is in our human nature to expand ourselves unless there is a boundary that separates us. Without healthy boundaries, it is very easy to acquiesce to fulfilling other people's needs while neglecting our own. Over time it can lead to resentment and burnout.

7. Self-Defeating Interpretations

This last factor is ultimately the most damaging one with the most long-term repercussions. It comes mainly because of all the other factors combined. We become slightly more exhausted and start losing hope with each bad experience.

When we can't consciously make sense of how we feel, it's easy to begin internalizing what is happening and drawing conclusions that ultimately hinder our capacity for romantic connection. They are either judgments of our external circumstances that lead to a victim mentality such as "all the good ones are taken," "everyone left is too picky," "no one can find love in modern dating," or "love doesn't last," etc. Or they are self-sabotaging thoughts that ultimately eat away at your own self-esteem, such as "I'm a failure," "I'm not good enough," "No one likes me," "I'm not pretty," "I'm too old," etc.

These thoughts repeatedly repeat themselves in our minds and lead to beliefs that don't serve us. It can also make us feel that we don't have any options or inner resources. They can keep us stuck in a cycle of condemnation and negativity that makes us feel hopeless, powerless, anxious, and depressed. This eventually drains our energy, sucking the joy from online dating.

Conclusion

Online Dating Burnout is a real phenomenon that has become quite prevalent among singles on dating apps. Chances are that you have experienced it yourself—the frustration, the exhaustion, and everything else that comes along from endlessly swiping for a potential romantic relationship.

I encourage you to give yourself a lot of self-love because it can be an awful feeling. I hope this article has been helpful for you in understanding what you are going through and the factors that have contributed to it.

The great news is that you can change those internal factors and how you view the experiences that shape your external factors. In Part 2 of this article (link), I aim to show you the approach to overcoming dating burnout. So read on!

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Consciously examine your feelings on modern dating, whether you are single or in a relationship. Then try to think through all the factors listed above. Note if you agree or have had similar experiences. This exercise will help you gain clarity on your personal beliefs when it comes to modern dating.

References:

Singles Reports. (2022, April 18). Emotional Fatigue and Burnout in Online Dating - Data Study. https://singlesreports.com/reports/emotional-fatigue-or-burnout-in-online-dating/

 (2019, August 4). Tinder Experiments II: Guys, unless you are really hot you are probably better off not wasting your time on Tinder — a quantitative socio-economic study. Medium. https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a