Find Perfect Love by Understanding Selective Perception

Oh, the myth of “all the good ones are taken” or “everyone left is too picky”! I hear the frustration. You are scrolling through dating apps, and all you keep seeing are the same people who you already swiped left on. Or maybe you just got back from a date with yet another person who is not ready for a relationship. Perhaps, you are seeing someone for a while with high hopes but realize that they have serious issues, vaporizing your dreams of that perfect relationship. Maybe you are only getting very few dates but not many second ones. I have been there, feeling helpless and thinking I missed the boat on finding love. At my age, surely all the good partners out there who are ready, realistic, healthy, and can commit to a relationship are already paired up, no? They probably got snatched up first and are now all married with a happy family and those disgustingly perfect photos you see on Facebook.

The notion that “all the good ones are taken” or “everyone left is too picky” is often touted as the wisdom for why we have so much bad luck in modern dating. It also doesn’t help that my entire group of friends subscribed to the same notion. Hence, the saying kept getting propagated in our minds. This concept is now so popularized that when you google it, there are tons of search results and even a song! After all, on one end of the spectrum, you’ve been swiping forever and not getting any matches. On the other end of the spectrum, you have so many matches that you have gone on a sickly amount of dates. Still, you can’t find anyone to be in a relationship with. Both see their dating prospects as dismal and proof that “all the good ones are taken” or “everyone left is too picky.”

I was dating in my mid-thirties. Unsurprisingly, I had friends in their forties also feeling the same way. But what was interesting is that I also had friends in their early to late twenties saying the same thing. That “the good ones were either taken” or that “everyone is too picky” or that “the good ones did not want to settle down until later in life”! It became apparent that this phenomenon is not even age-related. What we have on hand is an epidemic that affects all modern daters. No one can find the good ones and the ones left are too picky. All the eligible people have mysteriously disappeared. Where are they, and how do we find them???

The answer is that they are everywhere, and you can find them if you only know how to look. It is just that they are made invisible by the prevailing notion that they are all taken or that all the ones left are too picky. We think they do not exist. It’s like we all put on a unique set of glasses that makes us blind. Seeing them is almost impossible. By believing that they are not available or at least not available to us, we close our consciousness to finding them.

Neuroscience has proven that our brains tend to hold on to the negatives much more than the positives. Our neuronal network activates more intensely to negative triggers than positive ones. The theory is that since the dawn of humanity, understanding threats to our survival has been much more important than pursuing pleasure. Therefore, when we go through a series of disappointing situations, it is only natural for the mind to register all that negativity and try to make sense of it. It is human to go through a sling of bad dating experiences and believe that “all the good ones are taken.” It is human to swipe endlessly without many matches and believe that “everyone is too picky.” In most cases, it is natural for the mind to make up a story to protect us from further feelings of disappointment, rejection, or hopelessness. That’s why this belief is so widespread, and many people in the dating world would naturally feel this way.

However, I now challenge you to ask yourself two questions to rise above: Is this belief blinding me? Do I know for sure that this belief is true?

Is this belief blinding me?

Last year my friend went on a few dates with a girl who was “cute and smart,” the kicker being… “but REALLY jaded.” She was in her mid-thirties, and on their first date, she told him that she had gone on a slew of bad dates and was not sure there were even good guys out there anymore. She is trying to put herself out there but is really tired and losing hope. I’m not sure what this poor girl has gone through. Still, given all the complexities of modern dating, I wouldn’t be surprised that it hasn’t been easy and natural for her to feel this way.

My friend, being the great guy he is, decided to take it upon himself to show her that there are great guys out there and that he was one of them. He went above and beyond planning dates for her, learning about her, and taking her out. They eventually went on a couple of dates. She would have an enjoyable time but was never appreciative of him or gave him any positive reinforcement. He didn’t know if he was making progress or making her truly happy. Even after a few dates, he felt she was as jaded as when they first met. Eventually, he let things fizzle out.

The problem, in this case, is selective perception: a well-described phenomenon in psychology where people tend to not notice things that contradict their prior beliefs. Since this woman is highly skeptical and almost doesn’t believe that good guys exist, it is much more difficult for her to notice and appreciate all the amazing things my friend was willing to do for her. Her cognitive bias primes her to pick up on any negative actions on his part that would further reinforce her belief of “good guys not existing.” But she is psychologically impaired to notice and see the positive in him. Psychologically speaking, she is blinded to seeing him as a “good guy” because that would contradict her prior belief that “all the good guys are taken.”

Let’s run the opposite scenario. Let’s say this girl believes that there are many great guys out there. My friend goes on a date with her. She tells him that she has recently had a slew of bad dates but knows many great guys are out there. She is excited to get to know him. My friend, being the great guy he is, decides to live up to her expectations and show her that there are indeed great guys out there and that he is one of them. He goes above and beyond planning dates for her, learning about her, and taking her out. They eventually go on a couple of dates. She has an enjoyable time and notices all the effort that he is putting into her. She is happy that they are progressing and tells him that she is grateful that he proved to be a great guy indeed. Now, she has selective perception working in her favor. Her cognitive bias primes her to pick up on any positive actions on his part that would further reinforce her belief that there are “tons of great guys out there.” Despite going on a slew of bad dates, she is not blind and can still psychologically notice and pick up the cues of when a good guy enters her life. That is how you learn to find the good ones.

Likewise, someone who believes that “everyone left is too picky” may be down on their luck in getting matches through online dating. This, in effect, leads them to believe that no potential partners are available to them or even reject the idea that they themselves are desirable. They are prone to overlooking opportunities around them: friends, acquaintances, or even strangers who would choose them. They selectively perceive any possible signs that the other party is not interested and ends up missing signs that the other party likes them. Blinded by their belief, they miss out on the opportunity for a connection.

So how do we get selective perception to work in our favor?  

Do I know for sure that this belief is true?

I ask this question because as soon as you sit down, dissect a thought and start questioning, it is the start of you being able to move away from it. So think to yourself, do you have any evidence that maybe this belief is not true?

- Do you know of any friends, acquaintances, or even celebrities around your age? Can they find someone they are in a happy, healthy, committed relationship with? 

- Can you envision that out of the millions of people currently in the dating world, there may be one guy who genuinely wants to make you happy, take care of you, and has the best intentions for building a life with you? Can you envision that there may be one woman who genuinely wants to choose you, admire you, and see you as someone she loves and cares for deeply and has the best intentions for sharing a life with?

- Can you believe that at least a few people spend their precious resources (either time, effort, and/or money) to get to know you and actually want the best for you? Maybe they would try to go above and beyond to make a relationship work with you? They may not know right away or have all the skills, but are willing to learn and bridge that gap with you?

- Has anyone you’ve talked to or dated recently shown evidence that they can be a good one or not be as picky as you thought?

- Can you think of any experiences in your own life or in someone else’s life that would support that this belief is not true?

In medical school, one of the prevailing quotes I was taught was that “the eye cannot see what the mind does not know.” I’m not saying that every dater out there will make for a good partner, far from it. Most people will not be suitable matches or compatible dating each other. But when society and our minds tell us that “all the good ones are taken” or “everyone left is too picky,” that essentially they are unavailable to us, our eyes cannot see the good ones who do come into our lives.

I personally know a lot of men out there who want to build a fantastic relationship, are willing to put in the work to do it, and genuinely want to meet the needs of their women and keep them happy. I also know of a lot of women who are realistic. They want a good man to care for them, work hard to build a safe relationship, and in return, these women give them all of their love. By unveiling the myth, you can see them now.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

This week, take note of any time you start thinking that “all the good ones are taken” or “everyone left is too picky.” Each time question that belief by providing a piece of evidence that contradicts it and then repeat to yourself that “there are tons of good ones out there who will choose me.”