6 Tips to Overcome Body Insecurities in Online Dating

Online dating can be a great way to connect with new people, but it can also be a bit daunting when you're not feeling confident in your own skin. Body insecurity can really hold you back from putting yourself out there. In fact, modern-age online dating apps can greatly contribute to feelings of body insecurity since you're constantly comparing yourself to other people's profiles and pictures.

In a study by Kurzban et al., based on data from a commercial dating service, choices made by both men and women were based exclusively on physical traits such as attractiveness, body mass index (BMI), height, and age. Other attributes such as education, religion, sociosexuality, having children or desiring future children had almost no effect on the choices made by both sexes. So, it's a no-brainer that your physical appearance plays a big role in online dating.

When you are not getting matches or people are not responding to your messages, it can be easy to take it personally and spiral down into negative thinking about your body. "I'm not pretty enough. I'm too short. I'm not skinny enough. They must think I'm fat because my stomach sticks out in this picture." These are all real things people have said to me in coaching sessions.

But the last thing I want is for your body insecurities to ruin your online dating experience. I've seen it happen time and time again. So, in this blog, I'll give you tips on overcoming body insecurities in the online dating world.

1. Don't compare yourself to others

Strubel et al. ran a study comparing body image issues in online dating app users. The study showed that tinder users had lower satisfaction levels with their faces and bodies and more psychological distress and shame from their body image than non-users. This finding is present in both sexes, with men reporting a lower level of self-esteem resulting from this. So, just being on an online dating app by itself will contribute to body insecurities, possibly leading to developing lower self-esteem.

This finding is nothing to laugh at because it indeed shows the impact that online dating has on our mental health. It's no surprise that 80% of people will undergo dating burnout and can develop more serious mental health problems from just using online dating apps. If you are someone who is suffering from dating burnout, I go over some of the reasons and the approach to tackling it in my dating burnout series: Part 1 and Part 2.

But remember that everyone is in the same boat. Other people are also insecure about their bodies. There will always be someone with a "better" body than you. Even when you see an Instagram influencer who looks really gorgeous/handsome. They are probably insecure if they compare themselves to some models. And even models may compare themselves to other models and actors. There is no end to comparisons.

How many conventionally super good looking models, singers, or actors have public insecurities about their appearance? A lot. Just because someone looks good on the outside doesn't mean they feel good on the inside. Body confidence and acceptance come from within, not from what you see in the mirror.

2. Beware of negative self-talk

Try to catch yourself when you start thinking and saying negative things about your body. For example, if you think, "I'm too fat for online dating" or "I'm not pretty/handsome enough," immediately stop yourself.

In a study by Verplanken et al., negative self-talk about one's appearance led to increased body dissatisfaction, eating disorders, and lower self-esteem. Negative self-talk is harmful because it slowly becomes a part of our self-identity by affecting how we see and feel about ourselves. So, to protect your mental health, it's essential to be aware of your negative self-talk and work on stopping them.

3. Do not equate your physical attributes to your worth

Don't let body insecurity hold you back from putting yourself out there. Your insecurities might be telling you to avoid online dating altogether. But don't let that be the reason to hold you back! You are worthy of love, regardless of your weight, height, skin color, or any other physical attributes.

Your physical appearance does not determine your value as a person. Unfortunately, our society often tells us the opposite. We see it in the media all the time. The thinner/taller/prettier/better-looking you are, the more successful you will be. If you don't fit into that mold, then you're not good enough. You are a failure.

But that's simply not true! In fact, how much you weigh is not even an inherent characteristic. It's something that you can change. It can even fluctuate day to day depending on how bloated you are or how much water you've been drinking. How you look can vary day to day depending on how much you have groomed yourself or how you have styled your hair. Even your general appearance will change drastically based on what you're wearing.

So, how can something so fluid and subject to change be used to determine your worth as a person? It can't. Your worth as a person is eternal, and your appearance is just an aspect of you that can fluctuate.

4. Appreciate your own body

I'm not saying to not care about what you look like and just let it be. Remember how we talked about your appearance being fluid and changing? I want you to take pride in how you look. Take care of your body and face because that is taking care of yourself.

Appreciate your body by taking pride in your appearance. If you feel you are a little unhealthy and overweight, go to that workout class because you are taking care of yourself this way! Buy and put on clothes that make you look good, and get your hair styled. For women, put on some make-up even when you are just walking around the block. I want you to feel sexy and proud of how you look. Present your best self always. If you are confident with how you look, it will show on your profile and dates.

Remember, you can change your relationship with your own body! It's not about making someone else happy or trying to look a certain way for online dating. It's for you and only you. When you take care of yourself, it shows the respect that you have for yourself. This, in turn, lets others know to have respect for you.

Next, think about all the positives of your body! Focus on how much your body can do for you every day. Practice gratitude. Even your eyes being able to read this article, to you being able to breathe in oxygen right now, is truly a miracle of universal engineering!

Trust me, I work at a hospital where I see people's bodies fail them every day. The fact that you are here reading this post means that you are healthy enough to do so. So, even if you "look" a certain way, your body is fantastic and doing some pretty incredible things for you without you even having to think about it!

Know that you are born with a perfect body. Your body is blessed with all the capabilities of being happy and bringing happiness to someone else in this world.

5. Don't take rejection personally

I want to reiterate that you are not your physical appearance. Just because someone doesn't find you attractive, it says nothing about who you are as a person or even your ability to be loved by someone else! In fact, people who are mean online about your appearance often tend to have the most insecurities themselves. They tend to be discontent with their own bodies and project their shadow onto you.

So, don't take it personally if someone rejects you based on your appearance. Just know that they are not the right person. There are plenty of people in the world, and you will find someone who loves you for everything you are on the inside and the outside. The right person will see you and appreciate how you look.

6. Seek professional help if needed

Suppose you are finding that your insecurities are impacting your dating experience or causing you distress. In that case, a relationship coach could help you work through these issues. I often walk through dating insecurities with my clients by getting to the root causes and developing an individualized program with them. I help them work on their beliefs, emotions, expectations, and patterns. They become empowered to feel sexy, confident, and proud in their own skin. Most importantly, they actually start getting excited about online dating!

If you want to talk to someone about your body insecurities, please reach out for help. I offer a complimentary call to see if we would be the right fit to work together.

I hope that this article was helpful and that you can start to work on loving your body just the way it is! Remember, you are so much more than your physical appearance. Embrace all that you are, and let your light shine through!

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Take a moment and list 5 things you appreciate about your body right now and write them down. Showing gratitude for what your body can do is a great way to start changing your relationship with it.

References:

Kurzban, R., & Weeden, J.(2005). Hurry date: Mate preferences in action. Evolution and Human Behavior, 26(3), 227–244. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2004.08.012

Strubel J, Petrie TA. Love me Tinder: Body image and psychosocial functioning among men and women. Body Image. 2017 Jun;21:34-38. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2017.02.006

Bas Verplanken & Yonne Tangelder (2011): No body is perfect: The significance of habitual negative thinking about appearance for body dissatisfaction, eating disorder propensity, self-esteem and snacking, Psychology & Health, 26:6, 685-701. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/08870441003763246