How to Make the Greatest Apology to Squash Any Hard Feelings in a Relationship

Have you ever had an apology declined like a credit card? Well, it probably doesn't feel fair since you are trying to do the right thing. But the other person doesn't seem to appreciate your efforts. Fights and quarrels are inevitable in relationships because we all have different personalities and perspectives. A critical tool in maintaining a lasting relationship is knowing how to genuinely apologize. A good apology can foster a sense of unity, security, and care between two people. No one is perfect, and everyone is going to make mistakes. Most people in relationships know this, so the expectation is not for everything to go absolutely right. But there is an expectation that their partner will take full ownership of their mistakes.

Despite this, many relationships fail due to issues that could be resolved a lot of the time amicably. Sometimes someone refuses to apologize for wrongdoing. But usually, people do apologize. Or rather, they believe they apologize but do not do so in a way that seems sincere to the other person. That's because apologies are often more complex than what meets the eye. Not a lot of people have thought about what makes an apology effective.

Many believe that saying "I'm sorry" is the end of apologizing after somehow going against your significant other's wishes or wronging them. If you apologize and wonder why it isn't working, this post is for you. I want to show you how to apologize effectively to reconnect with your partner. After all, everyone deserves a satisfying resolution to a conflict that makes them feel heard, understood, and cared for.

Misconception of Apology

One of many misconceptions is that apologies make you appear weak. But in the proper context, apologizing simply means acknowledging what you have done and taking steps to avoid repeating it. It means you're trying to better understand your partner and resolve conflicts. It shows that you can be vulnerable and admit that you are not perfect like every other human on the planet. This vulnerability takes a tremendous amount of courage. Everyone will make mistakes, but how you handle the aftermath is a good indication of your character. Sometimes the mistake is obvious, but sometimes it takes a good ounce of self-awareness to realize how your actions may have affected someone else. An apology shows your maturity, insightfulness, and consideration for another.

Most of the time, we do not intend to harm someone we love. But even though we are well-meaning, we may not realize the effect of our actions. The fact that you believe you did not hurt them does not mean they are not in pain. It is not up to us to decide whether our partner was negatively affected by our words or actions. Only they know how they feel. It is not even our responsibility to help them feel better since everyone is responsible for their own feelings. But, in a relationship, each one of these situations represents a crossroad where you have the opportunity to build more connection or enlarge an emotional rift.

Another common misconception is that you should not be the first to admit being wrong and apologize when there is a fight. If you want to strengthen your relationship, It makes no difference who is right or wrong. It doesn't matter who apologizes as long as both partners leave the argument still feeling connected and loved.

Why Apologies Fail

Have you ever wondered why most apologies are ineffective? You apologized to your partner, but they are still at odds, not accepting of your sincere effort to admit your mistakes. You already feel like you are extending an olive branch, which can feel like a kick to the gut when the other person doesn't take it. Most apologies fail simply because they are incomplete. There is no mystery to it. To the other person, they don't carry the necessary elements that show understanding, regret, and accountability. So even though you may genuinely mean the words, your partner has difficulty believing them.

A good apology is a skill. Just like every other communication element between two people, once you understand it, it can be practiced. With practice, you'll be able to change your communication patterns and naturally give a better apology. A well thought out apology is necessary if you want to de-escalate conflict or become a better communicator. You are more likely to reconcile and prevent feelings of resentment, misunderstanding, and lack of care from forming in your relationship. When you give a good apology, your partner's heart can't help but melt. An effective apology makes both parties feel safe, respected, and cared for while restoring trust.

So let's go through this as I show you all the elements required for an effective apology.

The Apology Blueprint

1. Be clear on what you are apologizing for (Required)

Sometimes it is obvious, but sometimes this requires extensive digging. But to apologize appropriately, you must gain clarity on the issue. Most importantly, you must figure out what was wrong from your partner's perspective. But since you can't read their minds, you will have to ask them questions until you clearly understand how they perceive the situation. Ask questions to clarify the incidence, how the other person feels, and which values or needs were violated. Understand what they would have wanted you to do instead.

Be mentally and emotionally open to hearing the other person's point of view. While doing this, as hard as it may be, try to actively listen without considering your side or trying to explain yourself in the process. Try putting aside your feelings about this situation, at least for now. You probably meant well and want to tell your partner that it was not intentional or out of malice. But at this point, your partner doesn't care so much about your intentions as they are focused on their feelings and what impact they feel the incident had. Therefore, trying to explain your good intentions will not help. You will come across as defensive and not attuned to them. This can be very counterproductive.

Sometimes what you think you have to apologize for has nothing to do with what your partner needs you to apologize for. The key is to understand it from their viewpoint. Be there to care for your partner. Only then will you be able to go ahead and communicate in a way that makes them feel understood. Be attentive to what they have to say and open to the fact that their opinions on this matter may be completely different than what you anticipated or how you thought about it.

2. State and address the other person's emotion (Required)

This is the single most crucial step for de-escalating the situation. Your partner will feel acknowledged and validated if you can correctly pinpoint their emotions. The key here is that understanding someone's feelings is usually related to someone's values. Most people need an apology when they feel their values are violated. So think about your partner's value system and how they may have perceived an incongruence stemming from your actions.

Labeling their emotion will help your partner feel prioritized and connected. Explain the extent to which you understand their values. Explain that you know why they must have felt or reacted a certain way. This can be a statement such as "you must feel disappointed because your trust in me being supportive towards you was betrayed."

You may not even understand their emotions 100% correctly. Still, just the effort will lead to further clarification for you and them. A statement such as "you must feel ____" opens space for them to express themselves and correct you if you are wrong. More importantly, it shows how much you want to understand them. This helps your apology become much more sincere. Empathizing with your partner makes them feel understood. It makes your apology much easier since it will help them soften up.

3. Identify any harm that was caused to the other person (Only if appropriate)

The next thing to do after addressing emotions is to identify the impact of your actions. How did your actions affect them? Some offenses only cause a value violation without appreciable harm, but it is important to evaluate that. Think and empathize with the other person. This is usually a specific consequence such as causing them to miss work, spend a lot of money, bail on their friends, get hurt, etc. Make a conscious effort to understand its effect on their lives, however small. Don't ever presume that it's not a big deal and that they would get over it. The harm can be physical, financial, emotional, etc. If you don't have a complete grasp, then ask them. Being aware of how you impact them shows an understanding of the severity of the issue. Make sure to express to them and let them know that you care about how it affects them.

4. If possible, make up for any harm done (Only if possible)

This is about turning things around and taking responsibility for the damages done by your actions and words. Show your partner how willing you are to make up for your mistakes. This way, you make it easy to believe that you have their interest at heart and do not take them for granted. If there is a way to reverse the damage, let them know you have thought about it. Make sure you actually carry out what you promised.

5 and 6. Assure that you will do your best to not repeat this in the future (Required). If possible, list specific, actionable steps that prevent the incidence from happening (Only if possible)

Give your words of reassurance that it will not repeat itself in the future. If you cannot 100% guarantee that, then at least promise that you will try your best. Reassure them that you also see the importance of not repeating your mistake. You are trying to build trust, so do indeed take this to heart.

The easiest way to prevent something from happening again is to devise a system. Sometimes this is not actually possible, but a lot of times, it is. The actionable steps don't have to be super complicated. This shows them that you are serious and sincere about ensuring this doesn't repeat itself. But it also helps you hold yourself accountable. Sometimes, you have to research and see how other people have tackled the same problem. It can be as simple as "I will set a series of reminders throughout the day to help me remember," "I will set up automatic payments," or "I will get help on this issue." Try hard to not do it again.

Bringing it all Together

The template I like to use for an apology is as follows, which incorporates all the above sections. It also shows the elements of understanding, regret, and accountability essential to a great apology.

Template

I am sorry for _____. What I did made you feel ______ and/or caused harm to you by ______. I will make it up to you by ______. I will put all my efforts into not doing this again. The steps that I will implement to prevent this from happening again are ______.

Example of How to Use the Template

I am sorry for being late in meeting you for our date last night. What I did made you feel disappointed and angry because I violated your values of respect and consideration. I also caused harm to you by making you miss the show's beginning and taking up your valuable time. I will make it up to you by taking you out to another showing of this musical and buying you dinner after. I will put all my efforts into not doing this again. The steps that I will implement to prevent this from happening again are making sure I check the traffic predictions beforehand and leaving the house 30 minutes earlier during rush hour.

Other Considerations

If it was a mutual offense in which both parties offended each other, the wise thing to do is to tackle each issue one at a time. Separate what you need to apologize for from what you need the other person to apologize for. You should wait until you've apologized and given them time to process your apology. The only time to bring up the other issues is once the first apology has sunk in.

Do not include your own need for an apology when making your apology. The problem will only worsen when you start pointing fingers at who did what wrong. After properly reconciling with the other person, you are much more likely to receive a sincere and satisfying apology. When you meet their needs, they will be more willing to see their role in the problem. The most effective way to reconcile is to tackle each issue separately and be patient! Be there for your partner first. Remember, always connect before correcting.

If you have followed all the steps above, you must give yourself a pat on the back. If your apology is still not accepted immediately, know that it may take time for your partner to process their feelings. If you have made a thorough and sincere apology, you do not need to apologize again. But some situations require repeated reassurance, especially if it has been a repeated problem. You may have to reassure your partner multiple times that you are sincere and will not allow it to happen again. You don't have to apologize from the top repeatedly, but reassurances can help them get through a difficult situation. Remember, genuine apologies help your relationship thrive. It takes genuineness of heart and healthy communication, but it will make your relationship more robust than ever.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Think of a time you have had to apologize and try practicing using the template. The more you practice, the more it will become natural.