How to Avoid Romance Scams: Debunking the Game that is Played

Imagine this: your phone lights up with a message from an extremely good-looking, well put together stranger with a somewhat cryptic message, “Hi, I am interested in buying a house.” You tell them that you are not a realtor and that they must have messaged the wrong person. They then turn around and start chatting with you, learning about you, and seem to be intrigued by you. This then continues as they share a little about themselves, even some more vulnerable parts. They send pictures of their work, lives, and hobbies.

But one thing leads to another, and you begin to feel romantic sparks. You feel like this must be serendipity. You feel super lucky to have met the love of your life by random fate due to a missent text. You feel so connected to this person and cannot wait until you can meet them to start a life together. What if I told you that this sweetheart of yours turns out to be talking to multiple other people, using the same script, the same photos, the same tactics, and sees you solely as a cash cow?

Millions of people get onto dating apps to find love. How devastating and frustrating it is that rather than experiencing romance, many fall into the hands of a scammer trying to make a fortune. The popularity of series such as “The Catfish,” “The Tinder Swindler,” or “The Love Fraud” has brought romance scams to the forefront of everyone’s mind. Previously, we thought dating scams only happened to people we did not know because they were not “careful enough.” We now know that romance scams can be so elaborate that most of us would not naturally suspect a thing.

In fact, romance scams have become more and more common. I have brilliant friends and acquaintances who have fallen prey to them. According to the Federal Trade Commission, from 2017 to 2021, reported losses from romance scams in the U.S. increased more than sixfold from $87 million to $547 million. Research says that the average victim loses approximately $2400. This is quite a bit of money for the average person and shows how widespread romance scams are becoming.

So, if you are currently online dating and using apps, how do you avoid getting sucked into a romance scam?

What does a typical romance scam look like?

The first step is to gain awareness and consciously think about the potential situation. If it arises, you will be much more likely to spot it. A typical romance scam typically starts with a potential match popping up on your dating apps or a random message sent to one of your messenger accounts or social media like WhatsApp, Facebook, etc. They are a stranger, but their profile looks good. They are supposedly personable, good-looking, funny, and intelligent. They may even insinuate that they are rich, adventurous, talented, well-educated, or high class based on their profile or message.

Suppose this person has matched you through a dating app. In that case, they will try their best to move the conversation to another platform, usually a messenger platform, text, email, or private channel. This is because dating apps are set up to filter scammers, making it harder for them to operate there. When you start chatting, you will notice that your match claims to live abroad or in a different part of the country because of work or business. But they mention that they really like you and want to take things further with you. Some of the most common jobs romance scammers will claim to be in include:

• Working as a doctor for an international organization
• In the military
• Working on an oil rig
• Doing big business abroad
• Any job that puts them in a position where they cannot control their own schedule and location

Once the match has established common grounds, they will attempt to keep you close. Over time, whether weeks or months, you will feel like you are genuinely growing closer to this person. They do not hesitate to play the long game and may even send you “proof” and “glimpses” of their lives to keep you from suspecting the scam. This can include short video messages, voice recordings, photos, and even website links. In the case of the “Tinder Swindler,” the scammer met up and took his victim to a 5-star hotel, introduced her to his “ex-wife and son,” and bought her dinner (all while spending money from another victim’s credit card). These bits of “proof” are meant to cast off suspicion and establish their legitimacy in your mind.

It is not uncommon for a romantic scammer to “love bomb” their victim. They can be very forthcoming or quickly show a lot of vulnerability to establish emotional intimacy with you. Shortly after talking with them, the scammer will start to shower their victim with affection and profess their love for them. This will disarm you, bypass your rationality, and make you feel connected and invested in their well-being. It also makes you believe that they are genuine. It is because of this romantic connection that the victims willingly help them by taking part in their money schemes.

Once things start getting more serious and you start making plans to meet in person, the standard scammer will usually not do so. It will feel like it seems impossible to meet in person. They will be in another location or traveling. Even if they agree to meet up, the scammer will always have an excuse or cancel at the last minute due to an urgent matter. They will say they want to meet but cannot, given their circumstances.

Once you are in hook and sinker, now is the part where they cash in. In the next section, I will go over the specific money schemes that the scammer uses to bait the victim into financial losses.

Money Schemes of a Romance Scammer

Emergency Schemes

This is the most common type of scam where they create an “emergency” situation where they cannot access their own money and need a loan from you. The scammer will tell you they are in a crisis, have a medical issue, and their enemies are after them. But of course, it is just a loan, and they will repay you. They will usually ask you to send them money with some urgency, preventing you from thinking about it too much. They usually ask that this money be sent through a wire or bank transfer, gift cards, prepaid debit cards, or cryptocurrency. Remember that the scammer will always say that they will pay back any money you send, but they will usually not. In the case of the “Tinder Swindler,” he actually initially sent small sums of money back to her with “extra” as repayment. But it was not long before he asked for larger and larger sums of money and never paid her back. They will continue milking you for more and more money until you see the light and cut them off.

Romance baiting

This is where the scammer pretends to help you with your finances. When you get to know them, they may portray themselves as wealthy and successful, making you believe they have financial knowledge. Afterward, they will ask and encourage you to invest in something that makes “lots of money” for them. They pretend to help you with your finances. While it might look like the scammer cares for your financial well-being, try to recognize the pressure for what it is. This scheme usually involves a cryptocurrency investment.

Money Muling

This is probably the worse type of money scheme because you may become an unknowing accomplice to money laundering. They will ask you to move money, phones, or other valuables around for them. These are basically illegal assets and funds. This can be very dangerous for the victim’s safety because they get involved in criminal dealings.

Blackmail

A scammer might ask you to join them in a video call. Once you join, they pressure you to perform intimate acts such as phone sex or undress for them. Once you have done this, they will tell you that they made a recording of you and will make it public if you don’t send them money.

Phishing/Identity Theft

A scammer can send you links to a different website to “check something out.” In reality, they are stealing your data through these links. The links they send you may direct you to a malware website where you give up your document details, name, address, or credit card details. Once you have submitted this data, the scammer can apply and receive a loan using your name or open a bank account using your details.

Psychological Profile of Victims

Here is one thing we all need to understand: romance scammers are successful at what they do! They are emotionally intelligent, patient, calculating master manipulators. They know exactly the words to say to make you think they are in love with you and gain your trust to win over your money. That said, some people are still more susceptible to romance scammers than others. Whitty M. outlined some characteristics of the victims of romance scammers in her research.

Middle-aged, well-educated women

Women are more likely than men to get scammed. Scammers target middle-aged, well-educated women because these types of women are likely to be overconfident in their ability to spot a scammer.

Impulsive (scoring high on urgency and sensation seeking)

Very impulsive people make decisions on a whim and are sensation-seeking. They are also more likely to get scammed. An impulsive person is likely to succumb to the urgency to give money to a scammer without taking the time to consider if it is legitimate.

More trusting

Those who tend to be more gullible are prone to become scam victims. They tend to trust the scammer’s stories and claims much more easily. They tend to trust others without thinking they are being lied to.

More trustworthy

Most of the time, victims of scammers are trustworthy people or those you would classify as “good citizens” and tend to uphold this role. This makes them more likely to be kind and help others in an “emergency” situation.

Addictive disposition

Those with addictive personalities can be drawn to the idea of finding romance. They also perceived the shortened nature of the romantic entanglement as addictive and exciting, almost as a “win.”

High scores on the romantic belief of idealization

People who idealize romance and ideological beliefs are also more likely to be scammed. This is because a scammer knows precisely where to hit when it comes to the victim’s emotional state and pushes the right buttons to create that fantasy, even if it is unrealistic.

Psychological Impact on Victims

While there is a financial loss due to the scam, many people do not realize that victims also experience emotional distress. Buchanan et al. explained this as a “double hit” in their research paper. For many people, the loss of a relationship often leaves a more significant wound than the actual financial loss itself. This can cause significant psychological distress as the victim experiences emotional shock after discovering the scam. They go through grief as they lose what they consider a relationship. But worse, they may also lose self-trust and self-esteem as they experience a high degree of shame upon discovering the scam. They think of themselves as failures for not spotting the fraud in the first place.

Scammers often know how to manipulate their victims emotionally and build a rather intimate connection. Once the victim realizes what is happening, the ordeal can lead to trauma, grief, and self-blame for falling for a scam without the ability to defend themselves. They feel taken advantage of. Coping with this experience can be extra rough. Especially when victims lose their support network if their family and friends do not understand how they could have fallen for the scam. With a lack of sympathy from their closest ones, it can be challenging to deal with the aftermath.

A subgroup of victims will cope through the ordeal with complete denial. This manifests as either not accepting that the scam was real or not being able to separate the fake identity of their “beloved” from the criminal. This form of coping is the worse type. It is highly ineffective, leaving the victim vulnerable to the second wave of scams and continued financial loss. They would benefit from moving through the steps to get the right type of closure in these situations. You can read my blog series on closure after a breakup through the following links: Closure Part 1, Closure Part 2, and Closure Part 3.

Final Tips to Prevent Getting Scammed

Contrary to popular belief, spotting a scammer is not very easy. However, with some tips, you will better recognize a scammer the first time they contact you.

Always remember that there’s a possibility that the person you match with could be a scammer

Sometimes, potential partners send messages that make us think we’re dealing with loving people. However, the messages and sweet names they call us could be a front to hide something that could hurt us. Look beyond all this and always consider this possibility, so it can be easier to spot if a potential scam is brewing.

Always cross-check everything

Most scammers will use photos that they’ve downloaded from the internet or steal them from other people’s dating profiles and websites to trick you into believing that’s how they look. If you realize someone is using a celebrity photo or a photo that looks too good to be true, make sure you do a background check. You can do a Google reverse image search on their photo or search for their name to know if they are genuine. However, some scammers will even go the extra mile to make a fake website.

Do not give your attention to requests for personal data or money

The first thing you should watch out for when online dating is people who ask for details of your bank account, credit cards, cash, or personal documents. Scammers can be very smart about this, so even if they ask for your data to buy you a plane ticket, do not give in to them.

Talk to your friends and family

Always talk to trusted friends and family about the people you are talking to. Expert scammers will often try to isolate you from people who are outside and can rationally think about the situation. They will often try to isolate you and pressure you into making decisions by yourself. Don’t lose your support network.

Conclusion

If you or someone you know think they are dealing with a romance scammer, do not try to bring them down on your own! You might be dealing with a dangerous person after all. Cut off any communication with them and report them to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov.

I hope this article has got you thinking about this growing issue in online dating and helps prevent you from falling victim to a scam.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Put yourself in the shoes of a romance scammer and try to think of how you would lure your victim. Being conscious and exploring this potential will help you spot them more quickly in the future.

References:

Whitty, M. T. (2018). Do You Love Me? Psychological Characteristics of Romance Scam Victims. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 21(2), 105–109. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2016.0729

Buchanan, T., & Whitty, M. T. (2013). The online dating romance scam: causes and consequences of victimhood. Psychology, Crime & Law, 20(3), 261–283. https://doi.org/10.1080/1068316x.2013.772180

Coluccia, A., Pozza, A., Ferretti, F., Carabellese, F., Masti, A., & Gualtieri, G. (2020). Online Romance Scams: Relational Dynamics and Psychological Characteristics of the Victims and Scammers. A Scoping Review. Clinical Practice & Epidemiology in Mental Health, 16(1), 24–35. https://doi.org/10.2174/1745017902016010024