How to Spark Chemistry in Your Love Life by Building Rapport

Whether you are dating or in a relationship, that feeling of chemistry is almost indescribable. You feel like the other person understands, sees, and gets you! That spark that just makes you feel alive in that moment is something that we all crave. One can say that chemistry is, in its own way, a form of connection.

Similarly, we have all been on dates, met, or talked with someone where everything felt wrong. The conversation fell flat, the humor was off, and it was awkward. You may even be in a relationship with someone for many years, and that initial spark has worn off. You no longer feel that passion, that connection, and shared understanding. There is just no chemistry.

Romantic chemistry is a fairly complex subject comprised of many components, such as sexual lust, shared identity, attraction, attachment, etc. Neurobiologically, many brain chemicals modulate it, such as dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, testosterone, estrogen, and many others. Because of how complex it is, whether love chemistry develops between two people can be somewhat unpredictable.

A lot of the factors that help ignite that spark are naturally wired in each of us through genetics and previous experiences. However, we also have tremendous control over how we come across to the other person in our interactions. There are indeed skills and tools that we can use to build chemistry and establish a bond. Creating rapport is one of the most important and easiest to learn.

So, if you feel that there has been a lack of passion in your relationship or you haven't been good at lighting that spark on your dates, keep reading this post! Next, I'll go over the science behind rapport. And then, I'll show how you can successfully develop rapport and build chemistry with anyone.

The Science of Rapport

Let's talk about mirror neurons first. In the neuroscience sphere, mirror neurons were discovered in 1992. These neurons were shown to fire when we see others performing an action. Then, they fire in the same way when we recreate the same action, imitating the other person. They have been linked to social interactions and are defective in disorders of social conduct such as autism.

What this tells us is that modeling each other's behavior has a neuroscientific basis and governs our interactions with others. Many scientists postulate that mirror neurons play a large part in how we perceive our relationships. They seem to have a role in telling us intuitive information about other people's intentions.

So, it was no surprise that psychological studies also supported similar findings. The first psychological research on rapport came out in 1996 (Bargh et al.) Their study was the first that showed that seeing other people having a specific behavior increased the likelihood of us having that same behavior ourselves.

Then 3 years later, in 1999, the paper by Chartrand et al. coined the phrase "chameleon effect," which is basically the beginning of what today we call mirroring. We tend to subconsciously imitate the postures, gestures, expressions, and behaviors of those we interact with.

Taking this idea further, Chartrand et al. performed two additional experiments. They showed that mimicry "facilitates the smoothness of interactions and increases liking" between the two people and that "empathic individuals exhibit the chameleon effect to a greater extent than do other people."

So putting it all together, mirror neurons are responsible for our relationships and interactions. We have a tendency to not only mimic those around us, but this behavior actually conveys more empathy when we do. And lastly, people tend to like other people better when they are similar.

It seems that all the science is pointing to being able to mirror each other as the key to building better interactions. This is at the heart of creating rapport and better chemistry with a date or a partner. So, how do you actually go about it?

How to Build Rapport

Let me tell you a little secret! During training, coaches and therapists are explicitly taught how to build rapport with their clients. This is because, without proper rapport, one cannot have a safe, trusting, and pleasant environment needed to conduct coaching or therapy work. When your job is to challenge someone to open up to you or go outside their psychological comfort zone, having a base of rapport makes it possible.

The same concept can be applied to your love life. Rapport is 100% necessary for a romantic relationship because rapport is the foundation for emotional intimacy. Without an environment of safety, trust, and positivity, it is almost impossible for partners to become vulnerable and open with each other. So not only is rapport important when creating chemistry but maintaining good rapport is also essential in a healthy relationship.

Most of us will naturally and subconsciously foster good rapport with someone we connect with. However, if it's your first time meeting someone on a date or if you want to spark a fading connection in your relationship, understanding how to consciously build rapport will help you get a headstart. Below are the key components you can deliberately mimic when building rapport with anyone.

1. Modality

When you're trying to communicate with someone, it can be helpful to take a step back and think about how they prefer to receive information. For some people, visual cues are the most important thing; they like to see what they're talking about to really understand it. These will often be the people making gestures in the air and outlining objects as they talk.

Other people are more auditory, and when you speak, they are highly attuned to your tone, words, and voice. They will tend to repeat and describe the exact words, quotes, or voices in their heads when they talk.

Finally, some people are kinesthetically inclined, meaning they engage with the world primarily through their sensations. They like to take the world in through feelings. You'll notice how they tend to communicate by describing tactile qualities.

If you can take a moment to figure out which of these categories the person you're talking to falls into, then you want to match that.

For example:

• If someone "visualizes" what you are saying. You can agree on "seeing" the point.
• If someone "hears" you. You can say that "sounds" good.
• If someone tells you that they can't "get a handle on" something. You can agree that it doesn't "feel" right

Matching the other person's primary modality may be subtle, but be assured that they will pick up on this similarity on a subconscious level.

2. Physiology

When we replicate the physical actions of another person, it sends a message to their unconscious mind that we are like them. This includes hand gestures, body posture, facial expressions, and movements. Every bit matters, even how fast their eye blinks, if you can match that! For example, when we see someone smile, our brain automatically triggers a similar response in our facial muscles. Since nonverbal communication comprises ~90% of all communication, matching someone's physiology can be highly effective. You might just find yourself on the same wavelength in no time.

3. Voice and Language

Rapport can also be established by matching the way someone speaks. This includes paying attention to their voice tone, volume, and tempo and matching those qualities. If they use specific words, pay very close attention. Particular words and phrases can be associated with an emotion or value. Especially when expressing a specific desire, the exact way they phrase it can carry a lot of meaning for them. Using the exact wording that they do can signal that you have similar emotions and values. This will further reinforce the rapport and make them feel heard and understood.

4. Breathing

Another way to build rapport with the other person is by breathing at the same rate and from the same location (throat, chest, or belly). This may seem like a small thing, but it can have a profound effect. Matching someone's breathing sends a signal that you are in sync with them, which can help to create a feeling of trust and rapport.

In addition, it allows you to get a sense of their inner level of tension, which can be helpful in understanding how they are feeling and what they might need from you. This is another subtle technique that can profoundly affect rapport.

5. Chuck Size

One of the simplest and most effective ways to build rapport with someone is to match their chunk size. Chunk size refers to the amount of information a person uses when communicating. For example, if someone is always talking about specific details, then by matching this style by being very specific. Similarly, if someone is always speaking from the bigger picture perspective, then do the same!

By mirroring the chunk size of the person you are speaking with, you will send a subtle signal that you are on the same wavelength. This can go a long way toward building rapport and ensuring successful communication.

6. Common Experiences

When we think of rapport, we often think of common interests. This is the most stereotypical way to build a bond and usually involves matching hobbies, backgrounds, beliefs, etc. The first thing we typically do with a stranger is to find a commonality. We've all done it either consciously or subconsciously. And it works! So why tinker with a good thing? It's probably one of the easiest ways to build rapport if you don't know about the other methods I just outlined!

7. Bonus: Leading Rapport

So how do you know if you have succeeded? Let's say you have matched all the points above. How would you know if it worked? This is where I want to throw you a bonus on this post. I will show you how to assess if you are in rapport with someone.

First, pay attention to their nonverbal cues. You can see how they're reacting to you and then adjust yourself accordingly. Start out small and inconspicuous: look for how they are breathing. Does it match yours?

When you think you have a good handle on them and they seem to bond with you, you can try to "lead" them. Observe how the other person's communication changes in response to your own.

If, for example, someone is gesturing very quickly and you match their speed for a while before slowing down, they may also slow their gesturing to stay in rapport with you. There you go, you did it! First, you met their pace and then led them to a slower pace.

If you are feeling extra confident, try something even more obvious. Try making an unexpected gesture, such as reaching for a drink, waving to the waiter, or putting your hand on your face. See if they will mimic you back!

See how easy that was? And the other person doesn't even know what happened! With every skill, practice makes perfect. Like I always say, you have to practice, practice, practice to master it. Now, you have the tools to build rapport and spark that chemistry in any relationship!

Considerations When Using this Skill

As I've described, rapport is something that we can consciously learn to do. However, another issue is how to use this skill in a manner that serves us. With great skill comes great power but also great responsibility! This requires a sound understanding of when you should use this skill and when you shouldn't.

At the end of the day, building rapport may require you to adopt physiological and conscious responses that are unnatural to you. When building rapport, you should evaluate your current circumstances and reasons for going against your natural behavior.

The reason should justify you having to temporarily override your authentic behavior. It needs to be well understood and used only for a period of time for a specific purpose. Losing your authentic self to permanently please others will do more harm than good.

Suppose that you are in a relationship that has lost its spark. You and your significant other have been fighting quite a lot. You are struggling to maintain a connection. However, you still want to try your best to make it work. Then, by all means, use this rapport-building skill to see if you can gain some of that chemistry back!

This can help you jumpstart your connection. A solid connection always makes things in your relationship easier to sort out.

But if your relationship has turned toxic, you shouldn't try to build rapport to save it. You need to evaluate if using rapport is really going to be in your best interest. Are you abandoning yourself for the sake of another person?

Similarly, I firmly believe there is a limit to when you shouldn't use this skill in a dating setting. Maybe you need an initial boost on your zero date or first date because you have a hard time connecting with others when you are nervous. Then, by all means, consciously try to build rapport.

However, suppose you go on multiple dates with someone you are incompatible with in terms of energy level, physiological response, experiences, and expressive language. In that case, there is a good chance it wouldn't work long-term.

At the end of the day, I don't believe in using games and tactics to manipulate love. I strongly advise being the authentic you when you present yourself while dating or at the start of any new relationship. However, understanding how to build rapport can make you a better version of yourself if you lack connection skills.

Remember, being inauthentic or using pick-up strategies will never get you the love you want and deserve. At the end of the day, losing your authentic self and having to keep up the rapport with someone for any extended amount of time is probably not worth it.

I hope you enjoyed this post on building rapport. Now, go out and spark that chemistry with someone special!

Growtheart Actionable Step:

The next time you meet a stranger, practice building rapport for the first few minutes. Then, try leading them and observing their behavior to see if you have succeeded. Make it a fun game because practice makes perfect!

References:

Bargh, J. A., Chen, M., & Burrows, L. (1996). Automaticity of Social Behavior: Direct Effects of Trait Construct and Stereotype Activation on Action. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71, 230-244. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.71.2.230

Chartrand, T. L., & Bargh, J. A. (1999). The chameleon effect: the perception-behavior link and social interaction. Journal of personality and social psychology, 76(6), 893–910. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-05479-002

Acharya S, Shukla S. Mirror neurons: Enigma of the metaphysical modular brain. J Nat Sci Biol Med. 2012 Jul;3(2):118-24. doi: 10.4103/0976-9668.101878 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3510904/