The Zero Date: Your New Best Friend for Finding the Right Partner Online Dating

I recently watched a TED Talk by Christina Wallace titled "How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps." The talk has now been watched by 2.5 million people outlying her strategy for finding the right person on dating apps. It piqued my interest because I had used this particular strategy while dating without even knowing it. I wanted to share this specific strategy on my blog and talk about my perspective on the matter.

Caveat: This post may apply mainly to females in dating apps compared to males. From my experience, females tend to get much more messages and matches than males on dating apps. Therefore, the particular problems that single females encounter are very different than single males. However, I can also see it applying to a subset of men (especially those in the top 5% regarding physical attractiveness and educational level) on the apps. If you are a male reader, although the strategy in this post may or may not apply directly to you, the post can also help you understand the female perspective.

Nowadays, dating apps have almost made dating into an endless buffet. As you swipe right and left, there seems to be an infinite supply of potential partners you can match with at your call. However, a strong connection is never a low hanging fruit and can take quite a while to find. This has led to countless hours of swiping, texting, and meeting up with many potential partners, only to end up feeling disappointed and disillusioned. It can become a colossal waste of time, contributing to the ever-rising epidemic of dating burnout. How do you plow through the endless sea of singles to find one with whom you can potentially have chemistry and a bond?

We try to adopt the correct mindset coming into it. Still, sometimes when looking for a long-term partner, the personality attributes we are looking for are not readily available on a dating app profile. Although someone looks great "on paper," they may not be someone we can cultivate emotional intimacy with as a romantic partner. Many with impressive dating profiles can lack relationship skills, emotional intelligence, and psychological maturity. These things can never be conveyed in an online dating profile, which is why I also highly advocate focusing on your conversion rate from matches to dates instead of continuous texting. This is also where the concept of the Zero Date comes in.

What is a Zero Date?

A Zero date is a date before the first date. The concept is that the first time you get together with a new match, your goal is to explicitly assess whether you would like to spend 3+ hours on an actual date with that person. The first date is very short and consists mainly of an initial impression. This way, instead of spending 3 hours or more every time on a first date, you perform some type of initial screening. This is your first chance to see if you have chemistry with this person and if you're both interested in seeing more of each other further down the road. You can proceed towards an actual date if things go well on this zero date.

Why Should You Go on A Zero Date?

Willis et al. showed that it takes only a 100-millisecond exposure for someone to form a first impression. That is basically only a tenth of a second! This first impression consists of judgments of attractiveness, likeability, trustworthiness, competence, and aggressiveness. In her study, judgments made after 100 milliseconds are similar to those made with no time constraints. Any additional time spent simply boosted confidence in a person's judgments with no changes in the initial impression formed!

Another study by Ranganath et al. showed that in over 1000 4-min speed dates, the four-minute date was enough time to forge a meaningful relationship and change people's feelings about each other. This finding showed that this change was not based solely on someone's looks alone. The factor that seemed to be associated with forming this relationship is certain communication behaviors exhibited during the 4-minute dates. These behaviors consist of those indicating enthusiasm/engagement (getting louder/softer with the flow of conversation, finishing a sentence or adding to it), appreciation ("That’s awesome” or “Good for you”), and sympathy (“That must be tough on you”).

It is reasonably safe to say that it takes very little time for you to actually be able to form an initial opinion and early chemistry with someone. In most cases, I have a pretty accurate assessment of whether I want to see someone again in the first few minutes of meeting them. I have questioned my intuition in the past, but over time my intuition has proved to be right on. Sometimes I need a little more time to formulate my judgment, especially if the other person is more introverted or shy. In those cases, as long as my initial meeting was agreeable, I would definitely go on a first date to find out more.

My zero dates have allowed me to get a glimpse of the other person before committing an entire evening to them. It helped me feel more confident about spending time and effort dating them. I get much more excited about a first date knowing that my zero date went well. It is an opportunity to get to know someone quickly without setting expectations. It can be an easy and quick way to assess each other for that initial chemistry and get you one step closer to meeting the right person. It saves time and helps prevent you from burning out by constant dating.

Why Dating App Texting is Not Enough

As much as online texting can give you much information about a possible match, we know from Albert Mehrabian’s research that 90% of communication is nonverbal. Therefore, texting online does not give you the cues to adequately get a first impression of someone. How many times have you texted someone back and forth enthusiastically? Then, when you met them, they were completely different from what you thought. Their mannerisms may have grated on you, the way they talked seemed too aggressive, or maybe their body position just seemed off.

I have met my fair share of guys like that. I have gone on dates with a few guys where within a few minutes of meeting them, I could tell that they were much more effeminate than their profiles. Unfortunately, no matter their personality, I could never see myself feeling sexually attracted to them.

Other guys would show up utterly disheveled like they just got out of bed, wearing a torn-up T-shirt. I could never let my own standards sink that low. There were also others where the conversation went nowhere despite me asking question after question to see if we had anything in common.

I had to cut the date short with one guy because his default answer was that he liked “to sleep.” I swear the conversation went like this: What do you like to do? I like to sleep. What are some of your hobbies? I consider sleeping a hobby. What do you like to do after work? I am usually tired, and I go to sleep early. What do you do in your free time? I just really like sleep. Why do you like to sleep so much? I like my bed. I am just tired a lot. Sleep feels so good. I was not going to stay there to find out if he had narcolepsy or not. So, I just gave up after 15 minutes and had to make a quick excuse to leave.

In all these instances, my initial impression of chatting with them online was much more different than in person. I have also had many dates in the other direction. I had experiences where the man was just horrible at texting. I felt I was texting a solid brick wall with a constant stream of just one-word answers. But then the guy turned out to be absolutely riveting in person.

At that point, did it really matter that he was a bad texter? Suppose you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship. In that case, texting online can nurture an image that does not pan out in real life. After so many instances of such significant differences in my matches’ online and real-life persona, I decided that the zero date was the way to go.

In addition, it can be hard to keep in touch with a match while just texting. It is easy for the conversation to get stale. Texting can be impersonal and become a string of standard questions that get asked repeatedly. Texting also does not give context to someone’s vocal tones, mannerisms, mode of speech, eye contact, and body position, among other qualities essential to establishing a new relationship. As human beings, we are not wired to connect or develop any feelings towards just words on a phone screen.

Lastly, most online romance scams and dating catfishes will use texting as the primary method to communicate with you. Converting your match to a zero date earlier in the process can help you weed them out. Most romance scams and catfishes use photos and the persona of someone else.

During the zero date, you’ll be able to get a better idea if they are the same person they claim to be. Meeting earlier rather than later also prevents you from becoming attached to a fantasy image of what you think the person is through their online profile and messages. You don’t want to get attached to this version of them and find out they are entirely different later.

How to Set Up a Zero Date

1. The premise of a Zero Date is that it should not last more than an hour. I would go as far as to say that usually, 30 minutes is enough for you to find out if you want to see a person again. Whether you decide on setting your zero date at 30 minutes or an hour, play around and see what fits better with your style and schedule. After the time is up, have something else scheduled in your calendar that you must go to.
2. The Zero Date should be casual. This means that if you are going to meet in person, this meeting should be at a coffee shop, bar, lounge, teahouse, park bench, or somewhere casual. This should be somewhere you can just sit down for some time and leave if you need to. You want somewhere that is not too loud, comfortable, and private. Remember that the goal is finding a place where you can have a good talk without getting distracted. Activities do not work well on a Zero Date since you want to focus on building rapport and communication instead of on the activity itself.
3. A Zero Date can be virtual. I know that some of you may be against this. Still, it works well depending on your communication style and ability to draw out the other person’s personality through video. It may not work well for everyone. If you prefer to meet in person, that is okay. But since the pandemic, video chats on dating apps have become much more common. From personal experience, a video chat online works exceptionally well as a Zero Date. You don’t have to waste time getting to and back from the meeting location. It is the natural next step to texting online. It is straightforward to schedule and works well to get a feel for the other person’s nonverbal communication. I would say that it answers most questions you need to answer from an in-person meeting with much more efficiency. It is also not a significant commitment from the other person, so they are much more likely to be amenable to it. They would not feel as disappointed if they expected more time with you.
4. Go in with the sole intention of seeing if you would be willing to spend 3+ hours on an actual date with them. You do not have to figure out if you are compatible yet, if they like you yet, or if you like them yet. This allows your brain to form a complete first impression and use its intuition without adding too many elements that can lead to overthinking. Remember, your brain is made to do this. Trust your own intuition!
5. Don’t feel wrong about ending a date early if you realize there is no potential with this particular person. At any point in time, if you don’t see them as a future partner, the right thing to do is to excuse yourself and end the date. You are being considerate of your own time and their time as well. There is no need to spend a lot of time leading them on if you do not feel it. Even if you realize this after a few minutes, excuse yourself, thank them for their time, tell them that you do not think they are a match for you and wish them luck in the future.
6. Similarly, feel free to extend your zero date into a first date. If your zero date is going exceedingly well and you want to keep growing the connection with this person, then go for it. Start your first date right away. In my personal experience, even if things are going well, I like to end my Zero Dates at the initially set time. I have to give myself the time to digest what happened and become clear on my intuition. However, many people can feel right away that things are headed in the right direction. If you have decided to spend more time with them, you already have your answer. Congratulations! I say absolutely start your first date right away!

Conclusion

The zero date is the perfect solution to screen for potential partners before a first date. The only question you should ask yourself is if you want to spend 3+ hours on an actual date with them. I suggest using the zero date primarily to eliminate those you can’t see yourself with. I don’t use it to see if I am compatible with someone since that takes much more time. If I feel neutral about a match after a zero date, I tend to still go on the first date with them to find out. If the zero date goes exceptionally well, you can always extend it and start your first date right then and there!

Having the strategy of the zero date in your pocket helps you save your time, emotional energy, and efforts for those matches that have potential. It makes you more conscious of who you are dating and prevents any fantasy romance from developing. I hope you found this article helpful. Now it’s time to practice what you’ve learned and find the right partner for you!

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Think about what you would look for in a mate in the first few minutes of meeting them. Make a list of things you cannot have in a potential relationship partner. Use this list to help guide you on your zero date!

References:

TED. (2018). How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps [Video]. TEDTalk. https://www.ted.com/talks/christina_wallace_how_to_stop_swiping_and_find_your_person_on_dating_apps

Willis, J., & Todorov, A. (2006). First Impressions. Psychological Science, 17(7), 592–598. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01750.

Ranganath, R., Jurafsky, D., & McFarland, D. A. (2013). Detecting friendly, flirtatious, awkward, and assertive speech in speed-dates. Computer Speech & Language, 27(1), 89–115. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.csl.2012.01.005

Albert, M. (2007). Nonverbal Communication (1st ed.). Routledge.