What You Need to Know About Codependency in Relationships

Codependency is a massive issue in many relationships. It can be challenging to spot and even more difficult to deal with. When people think of codependency, they often think of someone clingy or needy to their significant other. Or they think of that friend who gets into a relationship with someone, and you never see them again because they sacrifice their entire social life to be with that person. While these are both examples of codependency, it's essential to understand that codependency goes much deeper than that. It's a toxic pattern of behavior that can be harmful not only to the codependent person but also to their relationships long term.

If you are worried that you or your partner may be codependent, keep reading. In this blog post, we will give you everything that you need to know! We will discuss what codependency is, the signs of codependency, the underlying psychological causes, why it is harmful, and what you can do about it.

What is Codependency?

Codependency is a pattern of behavior in which someone becomes excessively dependent on another person to the point where their own identity, boundaries, and needs are sacrificed. In other words, they give up their own well-being to please their partner or meet their partner's needs. This can happen in all types of relationships, including romantic relationships, friendships, and even parent-child relationships.

In a romantic relationship, codependency often manifests as one partner being very needy. They may be afraid of being alone, so they do everything to keep their partner happy. They can continuously self-abandon in relationships to make their partner the priority. Over time, this self-abandonment causes resentment and bitterness. They often feel taken advantage of and that they are the ones always doing all the work in the partnership.

Even though a codependent tends to get increasingly frustrated over time, they will often not speak up for themselves out of fear that it will upset their partner or cause conflict. They may have a lot of unmet needs that go unaddressed throughout the relationship. However, because of their self-abandonment, they may not be consciously clear on what their needs are. Eventually, the resentment builds up so much over time that they either explode in anger or withdraw completely, unleashing all their emotions at once.

Signs of Codependency

So, how do you know if you are codependent or not? There are many signs of codependency, but not all codependent people will experience all of them. Read through the list below and see how many apply to you or your partner.

• You say yes to your partner when you want to say no
• You feel like you can't live without your partner.
• You put your partner's needs above your own.
• You feel that you often lose yourself or self-abandon in relationships.
• You may feel hurt, not okay, or frustrated, but don't speak up.
• You have difficulty being alone, or you are afraid of being single.
• You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
• You often feel taken advantage of or that you are always the one giving more.
• You overperform to get love and affection.
• You seek approval and validation and get overly upset when you don't get it.
• You spend enormous energy to make sure others see you positively.
• You get extremely upset and bothered if your partner is irritated with you.
• You stay in relationships even when they are toxic or abusive.
• You have difficulty taking in criticism.
• You feel resentful when hearing no from your partner.
• You feel responsible for your significant other's feelings.
• You have internalized shame which makes you feel excessive guilt.
• You have trouble setting boundaries.
• You have negative self-talk.
• You have high anxiety in your relationships.

If you can relate to more than half of the signs above, then codependency may be something that you are struggling with.

What Causes Codependency?

Many different psychological factors can contribute to codependency. In the study by Lindley et al., codependency was associated with low self-confidence and the quality of soliciting emotional support from others. The interesting finding is that codependency has no associations with a person's level of autonomy. So, at its heart, codependency is a problematic reliance on your significant other stemming from low self-esteem.

The codependent person actually relies on their partner to meet a deep need for love, validation, acceptance, and/or self-worth. This frequently results in their boyfriend or girlfriend becoming their primary source of joy and well-being. Because of their role as dependent, codependents will place a lower value on themselves to ensure that their partners can continue to provide them with what they lack.

They can become excessively preoccupied with their romantic partners, even to the point of organizing all their thoughts, actions, and energy around them. Anything to fill the psychological void they want their partners to fill deep down inside.

Codependency can be the result of trauma. Fuller et al. found that a person is much more likely to be codependent if they have a history of chronic family stress. This includes a history of alcoholism, mental illness, or physical illness in the parents. If you have experienced trauma in childhood, it could be challenging to develop a healthy sense of self.

Codependent people often had unavailable, abusive, or emotionally neglectful caregivers. As a result, they never received the feeling of love, validation, acceptance, and/or a sense of worth that a child needs. This is often coupled with never being modeled on how to self-soothe, connect, or nurture themselves through these difficult situations. So, the result is having to fill that psychological hole through their partners and others in their lives.

Some experts also talk about codependency as a learned behavior. You could pick up something from watching your parents while growing up. If your mom or dad was codependent, you might have thought this was just how relationships should be. You may have learned that it was your job to take care of your partner and make them happy while sacrificing your own happiness in the process.

Lastly, as an attachment-style coach, I want to point out that codependency is often seen in unhealthy attachment styles. Attachment styles are learned in childhood and tend to be carried into adulthood.

Suppose you have an insecure attachment style, such as anxious-preoccupied or fearful-avoidant/disorganized. In that case, codependency tends to be a big problem that has probably affected many of your relationships.

Part of specifically healing an insecure attachment style is healing codependency by targeting the underlying causes. It is something that I work with my clients closely on as it can be a complex pattern to break.

Why is Codependency Harmful?

In codependent relationships, one or both partners tend to lose themselves. They can become consumed by their partner's problems and feel they need to take care of them. It can cause them to become emotionally and/or physically exhausted from always being in a state of high alert. This can lead to resentment, anxiety, and even depression after a while.

One of the most common signs of codependency is an inability to set boundaries. In some extreme cases, this can cause enmeshment when two people become so closely involved with each other to the point where it is difficult to separate. The personal boundaries of each individual in the couple become blurred and indistinguishable. This can further cause the loss of self-identity and independence for both partners.

Codependency can also decimate your social life. Because you spend all your time with your partner, it can prevent you from developing other relationships outside your romantic partnership. This can lead to more feelings of loneliness and isolation. The problem is compounded by the fact that you lose the support system you need to help you move away from these unhealthy patterns.

Worse, it can prevent you from achieving your personal goals and dreams. If you are always focused on taking care of your partner, you may never have the time or energy to invest in yourself. This can cause you to lose sight of who you are and what you want in life.

Finally, it is worth noting that codependency is harmful because it keeps you from having a healthy, balanced, and supportive relationship. For a relationship to be truly healthy, both partners need to feel good about themselves, independently of each other. They should each feel like they are complete people who each add something special and unique to the relationship.

How to Overcome Codependency?

If you have codependency tendencies or are in a codependent relationship, it's essential to heal from it. Many resources are available to help you understand codependency and how to overcome it. 

One of the best things you can do is seek a relationship coach who can develop a personalized program to help break through these unhealthy patterns. A relationship coach can help you understand the root cause and how to change the behaviors and thoughts causing it. A coach will also hold you accountable, set small goals, and monitor your progress to help you become no longer dependent.

Therapy can also be a beneficial resource. A therapist can help you through your childhood traumas and address past hurts. Couple counseling/therapy can be particularly beneficial if you are in a codependent relationship. It can help you and your partner learn how to communicate better, set boundaries, and work together to build a healthy relationship.

There are also recovery programs for codependents similar to alcoholic anonymous with either physical or online meetings. You can find a list of local chapters at Codependent Anonymous. These groups provide a supportive environment where you can share your experiences and learn from others going through similar challenges.

Lastly, there are many excellent books available on the subject. I often recommend Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie to my clients. This book is full of practical advice to help you through what you are going through. It can shed some light on your problems and provide solutions.

No matter what resources you decide to use, it's important to remember that change is possible. Be super compassionate with yourself as you work to overcome these challenges. It takes time, effort, and dedication, but living a happier, healthier life is worth it.

If you are struggling with codependency, please don't hesitate to schedule a coaching session with me. I am here to help and will be more than happy to support you on your journey to recovery.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Go through the list of codependency signs and rank each one from 1-5 based on how much it applies to you (1 - does not apply at all; 5 - applies very much). Then, take one of the top signs and consciously make an effort to notice it when the sign comes up. Notice how you feel and any thoughts associated with it. Becoming conscious of any codependent tendencies is the first step in overcoming them.

References:

Lindley NR, Giordano PJ, Hammer ED. Codependency: predictors and psychometric issues. J Clin Psychol. 1999 Jan;55(1):59-64. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10100831/

Family stressors as predictors of codependency. Genet Soc Gen Psychol Monogr. 2000 Feb;126(1):5-22. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10713899/