6 Simple Word Changes that Will Drastically Improve Your Relationship

When it comes to our relationships, we all want to feel loved and supported. However, sometimes the way that we communicate can get in the way of that. If you want a better relationship, start by paying attention to the words you use. In fact, one study by Jolin et al. showed that negative communication from a partner was a significant predictor of their relationship satisfaction a year later.

This is because language significantly impacts our beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. Using different words can affect not only how your message lands on your significant other (and how receptive they are to it!) but also your own subconscious perception of your loved one and how great your relationship is.

Often, the little things we do (or don't do) impact our love life. So I challenge you to start making an effort to change the way you speak. You can drastically improve your relationship by making six small changes to your vocabulary today.

These changes are minor and maybe seem insignificant at first. However, deep down, they carry subconscious connotations that are more respectful, understanding, and loving. They show more compassion and unity, which will help you see your loved one in a new light over time. Your loved one will feel more supported, appreciated, and connected. Win-win!

Using different words might take a little bit of effort, but the benefits are well worth it. In this blog post, we will go over these simple changes below. So read on and see for yourself how you can make a difference in creating your best love life today!

1) "I" to "We"

In couples, using first-person singular pronouns such as "I," "me," or "my" is linked with individualism and independence. On the other hand, using first-person plural pronouns like "we," "us," or "our" implies togetherness and closeness. This is probably a pretty straightforward and commonly understood concept. However, science backs this up as well.

There have been various psychological research studies on pronoun use in couples. How couples use pronouns routinely and in conflict has been associated with different relationship characteristics and satisfaction. In the paper by Sillars et al., the use of "we" vs. "I/you" was associated with more satisfied and older marriages.

Therefore, the first word change I'll like to highlight for you is from "I" to "We." This works very well in daily life, especially when making decisions or plans together. Instead of saying, "I would like to go to Europe for our honeymoon," try saying, "We should go to Europe for our honeymoon!"

As you can see, "I" statements can often come across as more self centered, whereas "we" statements emphasize teamwork and unity. This way, it feels like a mutual decision instead of something that you're forcing on your partner.

Dunlop et al. showed that in over 1,400 observations, the use of the word "I" vs. "We" was seen more commonly in insecure attachment styles, including anxious and avoidant attachments. The use of "We" was especially sparse in those with avoidant attachment.

Therefore, this may indicate that those with a more insecure attachment style and in less healthy interdependent relationships tend to use "I" statements more often as a coping mechanism to maintain distance in relationships. If you find that you or your partner are using a lot of "I" statements, this may be indicative of underlying attachment issues.

Using "we" is especially important during conflicts, as it can help de-escalate the situation and support your partner. So next time you're upset, see if you can re-frame your thoughts using "we" statements.

For example, instead of saying, "I feel like you're never home," try, "We both have busy schedules, and it's tough to find time for each other." This shows that you're in it together and willing to find a solution that works for both of you. It promotes connection by acknowledging that it's a team effort! It will make a world of difference long term.

2) "You" to "I"

Taking it one step further, whereas "We" is better than "I," "I" is better than "You" in situations of conflict. Timmons et al. showed that "you" speech increased in couples during hours of annoyance, especially in those with high levels of aggression in their relationships. In fact, numerous studies have shown that using "You" during arguments is particularly linked to more negativity and less marital satisfaction.

So, it's essential to use "I" statements to have a more positive outlook and resolution-focused mindset. For example, instead of saying, "You're always working, and you never have time for me," try saying, "I feel neglected when I don't get to see you as often as I'd like."

This statement is less likely to make your partner defensive. It is also more likely to promote open communication about the issue. It's also important to be mindful of the words that follow "I," as you don't want to make any accusations or assumptions about your partner's intentions.

If you are having problems communicating and expressing yourself, sign-up to get a copy of my FREE 7-day Ultimate Communication Mini-Course. It was built to address any issues on how to get your point across in a positive and intimacy-building manner.

Now, we are done with the pronouns! I hope you can see how even such a slight change in word choice can profoundly affect how you approach your loved one.

3) "Failure" to "Learning Opportunity"

This one is a game-changer. In any relationship, there will be times when things don't go as planned. It's inevitable. The key is to not get bogged down by these "Failures" but to see them as "Learning Opportunities."

For example, let's say you've been trying to implement better communication strategies with your beloved. Still, it doesn't turn out the way you wanted. You guys get into a fight, and all your progress goes out the window. You start throwing around "you" statements all over each other.

It would be easy to get caught up in the negative mindset and think, "This isn't going to work. We failed at fixing this." Some people will even go as far as to say, "Because we failed, the relationship is doomed." This can represent very black-and-white, catastrophic thinking.

But instead, if you see it as a learning opportunity, you can simply say, "Well, that didn't work out the way we wanted. Let's sit down and discuss why it was hard to implement this change and how we can try again." Remember that subconscious patterns are challenging to break. This includes word choices. Mistakes will happen. It is difficult to go against years and years of conditioning. The key is to not get discouraged and to learn from the experience.

Encouragement will always get you results much faster than criticism. When going through difficult situations, having a mindset of "we're in this troubleshooting together" will help you immensely instead of just labeling it a "failure."

4) "Emotional" to "Triggered"

We all have emotional reactions to situations. It's a perfectly normal and human thing to do. However, sometimes these reactions can be disproportionate to the situation. This is often because we are "triggered" by something our partner said or did.

A trigger is when something that was traumatizing to us from the past has resurfaced. So when someone becomes "emotional," a.k.a.: displaying feelings that are incongruent with the situation at hand, they are reacting to all the pain and repressed suffering from the past + what the situation is in the present.

For example, say you come home from work and plop down on the couch without acknowledging your partner. You are highly loving and caring and would never have intentionally ignored your partner. But today, you're just exhausted, had a difficult day at work, and it slipped your mind to greet them. Given normal circumstances, this situation would just be a minor misunderstanding that could have been easily dealt with.

However, in the past, your partner may have had an ex that consistently did this to them. Their ex would come home, not say anything, take your partner for granted, and not care about their feelings. The entire time your partner was with their ex, this behavior made them feel unimportant, ignored, and worthless. So when you did the same thing, it "triggered" all those old wounds and emotions from their past, and they completely ended up blowing up on you.

Wow, their reaction seems way out of proportion compared to what actually happened! But it's because they are reacting to the current situation + all the pain from their past. This is when you can make a choice to label them as "emotional" or "overreacting" or just understand that they might have been "triggered."

If you choose to understand, you can ask them calmly what happened and why they are so upset. You can offer support and help them work through those old emotions. This will help your partner feel seen, heard, and validated. It will also help build trust and intimacy in the relationship.

However, if you label them as "emotional" or "overreacting," you invalidate their feelings and experiences. This will only make them feel worse and can damage the relationship. The key is to be aware that emotions are universal and involuntary. When you label someone as being "emotional," it's dismissive.

It's important to not see emotions as a bad thing but rather as an opportunity to explore what might be going on for that person. Remember that we ALL have our triggers to a certain degree. Some may have more or stronger triggers than others, depending on their life experiences. But it's part of our human nature and how our brain carries emotions forward.

I wrote an entire blog post explaining what causes emotional overreaction and how to go about it. This information will give you a good idea of how to support yourself and your loved one in these situations.

5) "Always/Never" to "Frequently/Rarely"

When we argue with our partner, it's easy to start using absolutes like "always" and "never." For example, you might say, "You never listen to me!" or "You're always working and never spend time with me." These statements are not only hurtful but also usually not true. In reality, your partner probably listens to you sometimes, and they also probably spend time with you sometimes.

When we think and speak in absolutes, this is often a reflection of black-and-white thinking. Black-and-white thinking is when we see things as either good or bad, right or wrong, with no middle ground. This way of thinking is a cognitive distortion, which means it's a way of thinking that's not accurate and is essentially biased because it lacks understanding of the totality of the situation.

When we use absolutes like "always" and "never," this usually leads to arguments because our partner feels defensive. They might think, "That's not true! I do listen to you sometimes!" or "I do spend time with you. What about last weekend?". This back-and-forth can quickly escalate into a full-blown argument.

Instead of using absolutes, try to use more accurate terms such as "frequently" or "rarely." For example, you could say, "I feel like I rarely get your full attention when we're talking." or "It feels like you are frequently at work while I am alone at home." These statements are more accurate and less likely to trigger a defensive reaction from your partner.

Using more accurate terms also allows for more productive conversations because we can explore WHY this might be happening. For example, if your partner is frequently at work, they may feel overwhelmed and need help with their workload. Or, if you're not getting your partner's full attention, maybe they're feeling distracted because of something else going on in their life.

These examples offer opportunities for growth and connection, which is what we ultimately want in our relationships. So next time you find yourself using absolutes, try to switch to more accurate terms instead. This small change can make a big difference in the quality of your conversations with your partner.

6) "Compromise" to "Collaboration"

Lastly, I want to talk about the word "compromise." In fact, "compromise" is often seen as necessary and healthy for a relationship. The common saying goes that "relationships are all about compromise." However, I much prefer to use the word "collaboration" instead of "compromise."

When we "compromise," this usually means that both parties are giving up something in order to reach a middle ground. For example, maybe you want to go out to eat, but your partner wants to stay in and order takeout. In this case, you might "compromise" by staying in but ordering takeout from an expensive restaurant.

The problem with "compromising" is that it often feels like a loss for both parties. In the example above, maybe you're disappointed that you didn't go out to eat and get the ambiance to connect with your beloved. Your partner is disappointed that the takeout food was super expensive and not worth it for a night in. This can lead to resentment and feelings of being unfulfilled.

Instead of "compromising," I prefer the word "collaboration." When we "collaborate," we're working together to devise a solution that works for both parties. The connotation is one of togetherness and unity. You are building a plan together and coming up with a solution that meets both of your needs.

This way, you both get what you want, get an equal say, and promote a feeling of unity. "Collaboration" feels much more productive than "compromise" because it's a win-win solution for both parties. You both get what you want without the feeling of loss or resentment. So next time you're in a situation where you need to reach a "compromise," try to phrase it as a "collaboration" instead.

Conclusion

I want to reiterate that the words you use matter. The language you use can either help or hurt your relationship. By being mindful of your words, you can consciously improve your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about your partner and love life.

Communicating in a way that fosters a more positive attitude and an environment of mutual support, safety, and unity is vital. As a result, I'm sure you'll feel much closer to your partner and experience more satisfaction in your relationship.

I hope this blog post helped give you some insights into the power of language in your love life.

Growtheart Actionable Step:

Become conscious of when you use words with negative associations and connotations. By making a mental note of these moments, you will be more likely to change the way you speak to improve your interactions with your loved one.

References:

Jolin, S., Lafontaine, M.-F., Brassard, A., & Lussier, Y. (2022). Which comes first? Associations between communication patterns and relationship satisfaction in couples over a 1-year period. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/cbs0000342

Alan Sillars, Wesley Shellen, Anne McIntosh & Maryann Pomegranate (1997) Relational characteristics of language: Elaboration and differentiation in marital conversations, Western Journal of Communication, 61:4, 403-422. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/citedby/10.1080/10570319709374587

Dunlop, W. L., Karan, A., Wilkinson, D., & Harake, N. (2020). Love in the First Degree: Individual Differences in First-Person Pronoun Use and Adult Romantic Attachment Styles. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 11(2), 254–265. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550619847455

Timmons AC, Han SC, Kim Y, Pettit C, Perrone L, Power K, Vitale L, Margolin G. Fluctuations in pronoun use in everyday life: Understanding couple aggression in context. J Fam Psychol. 2021 Mar;35(2):149-159. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8386250/